Flaws
I have no idea why I suddenly want to write about this. But I feel that it’s been in my head too long, writing things down once in awhile might help to better organise my thoughts I guess.
I’ve wanted so long to reply to your blog post about your own flaws. So many answers but none vocalised into words that you’d understand. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this. But you know how I absolutely suck in relaying important feelings into words. Talking about myself, I’m horrible at that.
You are one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. That’s definitely not an understatement. You are the logically blunt but yet kind, gentle, always observing, silently judging situation, silently supporting, caring for people in your ways. Horrible english but as long as I get it. I know of the “flaws” that you claimed you have. I haven’t been spending over 2 years by your side for nothing you know. I supposed our personalities and views are very different on certain aspects. I admire those differences. Maybe you say you don’t care enough and that you’re blunt. But to me, it’s just a form of caring for people enough to hit them with the truths they need. Which is great by the way because I used to tell sugarcoated half-truths to spare people’s feelings.
I can’t list down all the “flaws” you have because to me, they’re really that insignificant and they’re all part of you.
I have flaws. Plenty of them. It still feels surreal that someone like you would ever like someone like me. Most of the time, I feel that I’m not good enough. But I don’t think I have ever voice it out as an issue because we really don’t need both of us wallowing in our own insecurities. One person has to be the shoulder to support at a time, am I right? I guess it’s this same problem that causes many overthinking and tearful moments.
You asked me to tell you whatever that’s bothering me at all times. But really, what good will it make if the things are really nonexistent and only exist in my head? I will have to deal with that myself no?
I can’t help comparing myself to the people close to you and those you hold close to your heart. Sometimes they all seem so great, that I feel… not-as-great compared to them. Does that make sense? You always go on and on about personality types and how I’m similar to them all. Sometimes, I don’t want to be compared with anyone in your heart. Sometimes, I feel that I’m not good enough compared to any of them.
For example, Dora. She’s great. She’s so nice and pure and innocent. Everything about her feels so calm, peaceful and fluffy. I can’t help but to remember what you said long long time ago.
She’s everything I want in a girlfriend, if only she’s a few years younger.
She was your plus one? I still wonder if she is indeed everything you’d imagine you’d want in a partner. And I feel that we’re so different in many ways that I don’t feel like I’m enough to fit that role for you. She has so much more things in common with you, and maybe you feel more comforted by her than me. Because I feel that I am so bad at giving you the comfort you need. I absolutely hate it whenever you say we’re the same, or similar as well. I hate those words. They make me feel as though I’m just a mirror, her shadow in your heart that is second choice because you can’t have her. Which sucks pretty much all the time.
I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore, I’m just trailing further and further. How am I supposed to let you know that everytime I feel that way, I cry to myself until I internally slap myself to wake up? How am I supposed to let you be worried over something you have no absolute control over? That’s why I feel no point in telling you these insecurities when I can handle them with time and internal monologue.
I’m not jealous or anything. I know you don’t love her. You’re with me. And you wouldn’t do anything intentionally to break my heart or to see my cry. I know all that. But sometimes, the mind is an evil thing. But trust me, I don’t that all the time! I adore Dora I think she’s really great. I just hate being compared to her, whether the thought of it, ot by you saying things that might trigger. I don’t even know what I wanted to get by writing this but maybe you’re reading this and maybe you’ll understand what I haven’t been able to tell you.