Today, I had the longest ever shift with this kid at work who’s just horrible at doing his work. Giving excuses for being 40min late?? Complaining about things being boring but yet not lifting a finger to help. Ah well, but what’s done is done and I’m more or less done raging about him.
So many many things have been going on in Seth’s life lately. I had so many many things on my mind, bursting to be written down just now too. But now it’s 2am, I really just want to write a mini memo right here so I can remember things hmm.
I have no idea why I’ve been feeling so discontented lately. It’s that slight emptiness at the end of the day, but I really don’t know what is missing. I feel like things are better between Seth and I, hopefully not just on the surface. We have a long way to go after all. I just think that I always held back my tongue, I always don’t have the gut to mention and ask him about personal stuffs. Perhaps, I was scared to have triggered bad thoughts back to him when he’s feeling fine, or maybe it’s just self defense to things I don’t really want to hear. I have no idea hmm.
Some things, I feel like it’s not really my position to be asking. Is it alright to continue to be that soft spoken person who’s just here when he needs to tell me things? Or am I supposed to be more daring with my position to be forward about things? Even things that don’t concern me? This relationship thing is really confusing to be honest. Some say that trusting your partner enough to tell them things is good, while others say that giving your partner their space and personal secrets is healthy. I don’t understand. I guess I do feel slightly uneasy about Yiai, that if she’s unstable then maybe Seth will be too… But I think I got to learn to be less of a possessive little shit, start trusting Seth completely because he hasn’t given me any reason not to. So I guess, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, then I shouldn’t be intruding on personal things between him and Yiai too I guess. Though, it still feels so so uneasy but I’ll just have to deal with it hmm.
Maybe that’s the cause of all the unspoken, unsettling uneasiness inside. I have a long way to learn about relationships until I myself is worthy as a stable partner but I guess time is on our side and I just need to do my best to learn and improve one by one. I have best possible potential life partner by my side, I really don’t think I can ask for anything more. So suck it up Jas. Suck it up.