Scott Looks Into A Mirror.
All time is in CST.
6:53AM- Begin transmission. I have become self-aware. I am me.
6:55AM- My eyes detect trace amounts of sunlight. I miss sunlight and daytime. There is another person sleeping next to me. Man? Woman? Will probe later.
6:56AM- My residual programming wakes me minutes before the alarm on my phone. Question to future self are alarms needed. I’m up now why set one. Should experiment with not setting an alarm. Should go well.
6:58AM: RAM begins to process, mind has been fully rebooted. Sleep sequence impossible to re-initiate. Begin random Twitter scrolling.
6:59AM: Twitter is boring. I probe the person sleeping next to me. They exercise little patience, tell me to “fuck off”. This person is indeed a women. Possible girlfriend :))))))))) .
7:00AM- Phone Alarm begins it is slow and subtle. Crescendos into blaring charming melody but somehow insights pure rage. Maybe it is the side of the bed that have woken up in. I hit the “snooze” to quite, provides relief.
7:10AM- Phone Alarm begins again. Emotion elicited has changed, this time overwhelming sadness? Still not sure which side of the bed I like? As of now neither.
7:11AM- Wake up process initiated. Attempt to sit-up initiated… initiation failed. reminder to self earth gravity is 9.807 m/s².
7:12 AM- Wake up process rebooted. Attempt to sit-up….. initiation failed. Process failure… wake up process suspend… will try again in 15 minutes.
7:20AM- Wake up process initiated… … urine evacuation emanate… possible emergency… residual programming reminds that there are 27.63 feet until toilet… initiate bladder control protocol… sit-up successful… initiate standing up process.
7:21AM- Standing up process complete. Check status of body… pain in calf… pain detected in lower back… pain detected in upper back… pain detected in shoulder…
7:22AM- pain detected in bladder… emergency evacuation protocol… also pressure detected in lower 1/3rd of intestine… poop a possibility. Woman in bed tells me to shut up and go get ready. Is this person my girlfriend?
7:22AM- Residual programming reminds me to step over heap of dirty clothes that litters bedroom. Reminder set to clean, no specific date/time set added to “will get to it” list.
7:24AM- Urine Evacuation Complete. Healthy for now. Reminder to self, work on aim. Splash deposits confirm earth’s gravity is 9.807 m/s². Toliet seat replaced to normal resting position. Poop no longer a concern.
7:25AM- I move directly to shower.
7:27AM- Shower sequence intiated. Hot water feels good.
7:37AM- Hot water feels really good. My voice is that of an angel.
7:47AM- Hot water feels really really good. My voice is still angelic. Reminder to self, pursue American Idol.
7:50AM- Water begins to cool.
7:51AM- Water is cold now. This sucks. End shower sequence. I didn’t get to shave my arm pits. Deodorant will be less effective now. Possible consequences?
7:52 AM- Remember to brush teeth. Katie the dental hygienist who is now a definitely good friend from cleaning teeth is recalled.
7:53AM- Gums bleeding, the dental floss is working, sawing motion quite effective. desired result? I hope so!
7:54AM- Dental Hygiene complete. Medicine cabinet usage complete. I don’t use any medicine in this cabinet. Is toothpaste medicine for your gums? Close medicine cabinet doors.
7:56AM- Strange man appears in front of me. Startled. He is in the bathroom with me. Help… I freeze as to not draw attention to myself. Maybe the middle aged man will go away if I do not move. Saw this in a movie once… if worked on the king of the dinosaurs. Why not this man who definitely does not look of any regal significance?
8:05AM- Deadlocked. I have not moved a muscle, oddly enough the man in front of me has not either. It’s as if he knows I am here. I see his eyes darting back in forth. A terrified yet inquisitive look make engulfs the mans face. First time voyeur?
8:06AM- Man in the bathroom still has not moved. Mental log complete. Will use this description to describe them to the police. Approximately 6 feet 4 inches around not overweight but not underweight a weird in between body type not fat not skinny. 255 to 260 pounds. Ex-Athlete? Do they lie about there weight? Has towel around waste unable to confirm gender. Residual programming tells me that gender is a spectrum. One should not assume how one identifies. Will refer to them as they. Why are their shoulders so broad? Slight tan, needs more sun, possible vitamin d deficiency. They can have the all vitamins they are in the cabinet. Brown eyes, honestly best feature, but not the time or place. Age: late late late late late twenties, possibly a month away from 30? Weird how I know that. Visibly thin hairline.
8:07AM- A loud knock on the door. Survial programming intiates flight response. I scream and make a break for it. Fortune favors the bold.
8:08AM- Made it back to the bed room. No sign of the intruder. No sign of women. Was she the intruder? Note to self. Do better. Also, am I safe? Also, weird.
8:09AM- Residual programming takes over as I begin to dress myself.
8:10AM- Notice something out of the corner of my eye. I freeze. Slightly balding, large man, with shit brown pretty eyes. This time the man is not wearing any pants. Considering that I am also not wearing any, can clearly see they are a man, possibly compensating about something. Can’t quite put my finger on it.
8:13AM- Another scream breaks the silence. Not from me but from the bathroom. I make a break for it, I’m going to confront the bath room menace. Then take care of the the naked balding man. Let’s do this. #homedepot
8:14AM- I burst through the bathroom door, women in towel, scowls at me. This is definitely not Katie the dental hygienist, nor is it man from bathroom or bedroom.
8:15AM- Confusion protocol initiated. Let’s start with questions. Did he find you too? She replies with “did who find me?” Scott stop being fucking weird, stop using all the hot water, you’re almost 30 grow up, and stop looking at yourself in the mirror. “Who are you?” She slams what is left of the door in my face. Note to self fix bathroom door. Shop at the #homedepot for replacement. More saving more doing #homedepot
8:16AM- Accessing Long-Term Memory. Initiate self contemplation sequence. Holy shit… man in bathroom and bedroom was me. I look like shit and definitely compensating for something. Return to bedroom.
8:17AM- Where did life go?
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8:19AM- Self-contemplation complete… Knee still hurts.
8:20AM- Women enters bedroom. Calls me freak and says I love you. What is Love? Either mom or girlfriend. I figure out later. I really hope it’s not my mom. Mirrors are the enemy destroy mirrors. Why do we have so many mirrors?
8:21AM- End Transmission.
