I’m the happy mom of 4 wonderful children, aged from 11 to 3. My husband and I wanted a big family and fought for it.
We fought because I had 4 miscarriages : my first pregnancy was difficult but finally went well (I had my first wonderful son 11 years ago). When we tried to get pregnant for the second child, our troubles began: I had my first miscarriage after 6 weeks of pregnancy. My 2nd and 3rd miscarriage occured when we tried to have our third child and the last miscarriage occuried when we tried to have the 4th child.
The first time I felt knocked out just like you. I even didn’t know miscarriage could happen (even if I’m an educated woman…)! And I was told, just like you that it happens to one woman out of 4. I felt hurt, I felt wounded, I felt painful. I cried for days.
When the 2nd miscarriage happened I couldn’t believe it! Why? I had already had my share! No need to say I was devastated. When it happened the 3rd time, I was just tensed and frightened like in a never ending nightmare. The 4th time I think I couldn’t even think about it. I was cought from outside and from my own feelings to protect myself. And I was so miserable.
When I got pregnant for my 4th child (after my last miscarriage) the OB told me to « not hold psychologically to the foetus for the moment »! Can you believe this? How can any mother carry life insid herself and not get attached to the to-be baby?
You ask why women don’t talk about it. I think you are right: there is a feelig of failure and shame about it. But I think also that (at least in my country, France) there is a misunderstanding: I heard so many times « the miscarriage is a good thing. This foetus wasn’t viable and Mother Nature did her job »! Nobody understood WHY I was so devastated! Specially because I had already other children.
This lack of empathy and understanding was so painful that I stopped to talk about it. But the pain is still somewhere inside me.
And when my last wonderful child was born, I felt so happy. And I felt also relieved. I had never again to risk to live a miscarriage.