Hi! I’m becoming a woman.
This is a copy of the “coming out” post I made in my original male-identity Facebook account on May 9, 2015. It was well received. I’ve since switched over to an account under my new name almost exclusively, and a few of the details are out of date; but it has info about me that people ask about, and if I start endlessly tweaking old writings my brain will explode, so I’m reposting it with no changes except formatting.
So here’s what’s going on in my life: I’m becoming a woman. This is my “I’m transgender and I’m ready for lots of people to know it” message. This list represents 33% of my friends count and many of you haven’t heard anything from me in ages — so if this is a WTFish bombshell, apologies and bear with me please. I want to explain in full so this is gonna get long.
I’ve known that I had some kind of gender fuzziness my whole adult life. From puberty onwards I’ve been fascinated with girls and women — not just in a “They are awesome and I keep loving and lusting after them” way (though that too!), but also “How are those bodies different? What about their minds? What does it feel like? What’s the female experience, and why am I so convinced it must be better than the male one?” This has almost entirely been a background loop, exiting my mind only as an occasional conversation piece. I thought it was interesting, but not important, that most of my sexual fantasies were about being a woman rather than being with one. Thinking about it in the middle of intercourse? Constructing stories about my vagina while my penis was orgasming inside someone? *shrug* Just a fetish and a strong imagination.
My social circle’s pretty diverse, and I’ve had transgender and genderqueer friends and acquaintances for many years. That’s actually a major reason why for decades I was convinced I was not trans and didn’t approach the question. Everyone I’ve known who changed their gender has had a different story, but the stories all had a common thread: they were unhappy in their lives before they changed. Everything I’d heard and read cemented the fallacy that if you were trans you necessarily knew it, because you hated your body or didn’t feel connected to it or some other flashing yellow “Genital Error! Please Replace!” sign. And that wasn’t me. I never felt unhappy or unsuccessful at being a man. I have anxiety and depression issues, but it seemed pretty clear (and still does) that their root isn’t in gender dysphoria. My relationships have always been fulfilling to me — and when they haven’t worked, it’s been for concrete reasons that weren’t “Oops, sorry, not male enough.” I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed sex no matter what was in my mind, and so have my partners by almost all accounts. So I didn’t see any of the signs. My life and body weren’t miserable; ergo, I must not be transgender, and thinking I might be would only be disrespectful to my trans friends who’d clearly had a harder struggle.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago. My life has gone a lot more hippie since the divorce. I’m chilling and meditating fairly regularly, and exploring healthy ways of going into my own head. And at some point, from somewhere inside myself, I hear this voice. It’s faint at first; no words, really, just a sense of presence, not unlike some of the ‘spirit guide’ work I used to do in my Pagan days. The first contact leaves me sure of only two things: A.) the voice in my head is female, and B.) she’s a bit of a trickster spirit. There’s a sense of mischief and confidence that makes me want to keep inviting her back.
I tell Alison about this experience and she thinks it’s cool. The voice gets a name, Serah, and starts to develop a personality distinct from mine. Not completely different; more like a 30-degree angle. Alison and I begin incorporating her into some of our role-playing (we’ve always been a kinky couple), and those two start to develop a relationship of their own, and within months it’s apparent that wherever Serah came from, she’s no longer just a thought exercise or a game. She’s a person, and the genie ain’t going back in her bottle. My psychiatrist and therapist are fascinated to meet her, and both assure me that my experience is unusual but not insane. I’m not dissociating or delusional, and she’s not impairing my life. If anything, she gives me better advice than I think of on my own.
Still not trans, though. Nope. Two identities in one body? *shrug* It happens. One’s a girl? Doesn’t mean anything. Alison teaches Serah to wear makeup, we buy some dresses and skirts in Little Five Points, and at last year’s Alchemy (the local burn — read as “like Burning Man, but smaller and in a habitable climate”) I was presenting as Serah almost the whole time. It was exotic and exciting to make friends who knew Serah but not Steve. Being seen as a woman for a few solid days felt refreshing and renewing and surprisingly natural. I wanted to do it more. Not that that’s a sign about my gender identity or anything, of course, I know I’m not transgender, why do you ask? *innocent blink*
The dominos finally started to fall in January this year. There wasn’t any major event to trigger it — I just happened to step back and look at the pattern, as I had many times before, and this time a new question hit me. “I’ve always fantasized about being female. I’ve created a plausible and sophisticated Female Me from scratch. I’ve experienced female orgasms without having the parts. And now I’m coming home from work most days and putting on pantyhose and makeup because it relaxes me. None of that proves I’m a woman, but does it make sense that I’m not even asking myself?”
So I did. Well — I flipped out for a day or two, and then I started asking. I asked myself, and I asked Alison. I asked my mental health providers. I asked my closest friends, a couple of whom are trans. (And who responded to my “But I’m not dysmorphic…” with the exact same words: “Fuck the standard narrative!”) It all felt pretty intense until I realized I didn’t need a Final Complete Answer with 100% certainty and footnotes and citations. All I needed from myself was permission to explore. So I decided I’d act as if the answer might be yes, but not think about any major physical changes for at least six months to a year.
Meanwhile I kept coming out as Serah in more and more safe places. I let my hair keep getting longer. I got good at eyeshadow. Those dual personalities started integrating again in a lot of ways. (Which was understandably stressful for Alison, who’d come to value real relationships with both of me.)
By mid-March I knew I wasn’t going to need six months to a year. My answer was clear and it was getting more so all the time. I’m a transgender woman. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t unhappy as a man; what matters is what makes me happier. I can’t even describe it as a conscious, intentional decision — it’s more like I was seeing the arrows, and I’m just following in the direction they’re pointing.
….So here I am. Hi! You can call me Serah now if you’re comfortable with that. If you’re not that’s okay too; I’m not feeling a need to erase my past or blow up at people for using the wrong pronouns. I’ll tweak my Facebook profile in a day or three to be a little more gender-neutral, but I wanted to put this out first so you’d recognize who it comes from.
I’m not presenting daily yet, but I’m ramping up. My intent is to start hormones somewhere near the end of summer. My kids will be staying with me through summer vacation and they deserve more stability than a dad who’s just starting to get loopy on estrogen. — The kids do know, and they think it’s a little funny but weren’t put off by it. They also know that I am and will always be their dad, no matter what I look like. Their mom knows too and is supportive, which is a huge relief in a legal-risk sense. (Anna and I have had our conflicts in recent years, but prejudice about gender or orientation is not something I’ve ever seen even the tiniest fraction of in her.)
In terms of privacy: if I wanted to this to be secret, I wouldn’t have 182 friends in this visibility group. I’m writing because I’m ready for this to be known, and you all are the segment of my friends whom I have any reason at all to believe either A.) give a shit about me or B.) would find this interesting. But if I missed anyone, feel free to spread this around (“Hey, did you know Steve is now Serah? And just as talkative?”), with only one caveat.
I’m not out yet to work or family. I know for certain fact that my employer will be cool — there’s a transman on my team and he’s universally treated as just one of the guys — but timing matters. I’ve been there long enough that if I come out before I’m ready to dress and present as a woman every day, it’s just going to be confusing for people. And I don’t even have the wardrobe for that yet, much less the mental prep. And family… I have my reasons. I will deal with that at the proper time. Both those circles are pretty detached from my other ones, but if by chance you happen to know someone in my extended family or someone I work with, please let me be the one to tell them. (It’s not a disaster if it gets out anyway, but I’d appreciate you letting me know as a courtesy.)
Aaaaand I think that’s it. I’ve just said way more about my private life to a large group than I ever have before, but I feel okay about that. I hope you do too (if not why are you still reading?) — and I hope you won’t hesitate to ask questions or respond honestly or ping me on other channels or whatever you would like to do. Or tell me you don’t want to hear it any more; that’s totally cool too. Anything trans-related or “girly” that I feel like sharing, I’ll keep in this group for now.
Thanks for listening! Life is interesting. — Now it’s your turn!
