Life At Full Swing.
2015. The best and the worst year. Life changing, making me realize the constants of life.
The year started with the best company I could have, carefree rather careless fun, serious conversations with a touch of unheard words emitting feelings I’d never had, mixed with the most clichéd and constant feeling that every teenager fakes- that I don’t care what they think. We Don’t Give a Fuck. Do we really ? Circumstances would tell.
Fortunately, I have always been around very nice people. Perhaps it is an illusion we all have. I don’t know. I lived in a closet that I created for myself, marking the lines between what is right and what is wrong, standing by my own principles, being a proud ‘nice person’ myself. But one does not live in a closet, one lives in a room. It was about time when the definition of Good People changed. I would usually go with the statement- Those who are good to me, are good people. Not necessarily. I learnt.
Among the major events was the end of school life, when I had to actually take decisions for myself, not achieving my own expectations in 12th standard and not getting into the desired college, I decided to take time for myself and try again. I was not devastated with this decision, just disappointed. But i am glad for this decision now. Had it not been so, I would not have met so many people, so many good people , and I would not have grown as a person, since the whole growth concept is accompanied with stepping out of the boundaries and new experiences. So I stepped out of the boundaries, that imaginary line of comfort , the line marked between crazy and normal, line that I ,my parents and friends had made for myself.
With each passing month, I was enlightened more, cared less. The fun increased, I felt loved, so the pain increased with it. Now I feel like I was running inside a wheel, the wheel being the year. The whole process of drowning myself into over-thinking dark nights, learning to swim in those, attempting to drown myself again and friends coming to the rescue, from becoming the best pretender to not pretending at all, where people do not really understand, what side of you is real, and slowly like a feather falling to the right place, when I truly learnt to not think at all. Not giving a fuck.
As we speak of learning, one of the reasons I call this year the best year is that I have received an abundance of lessons, actual value of things we value. I realized how important it is to keep things to yourself and be that mysterious folk. That advice is so easily given and taken but really trying hard to follow it, against your will,against your heart is like going to a war,alone. That past years have been so much about speaking and listening but the next year should be about doing and doing it right, silently. That love is not enough. That no matter how sensible and observant you are, you face the storm alone and you fuck up, more than your conscience allows you. More than you deserve. That being judgemental is not a choice and it is okay to be it. That is you protecting yourself from being hurt.
A Roller-coaster of a year.