Without Chance, We Can’t Change

Break-up conversations are awkward. They’re even worse when you’re the one being broken up with. I wish I could’ve said I didn’t see it coming, but the writing was on the wall for weeks. The distance grew and grew. In a sense, I checked out the same time as she did and just waited for the inevitable. By the time the conversation happened, all I could say is “I understand.” I just wanted to get off the call.

I carry disappointment over my last relationship. It was the first one I felt comfortable enough to be myself in. I’ve always been this shy person who had problems opening up, and I promised myself I’d work on that for next time. It worked, or so I thought. Being told that you’re not providing what someone needs is a frustrating thing to hear, but it increases ten fold when you aren’t even told what that is.

Change is important. Change is good. Without change, how do we grow as humans? We don’t. I’m not the same person I was when I was 20. I’ve experienced a lot that shaped me for the better, like discovering Lionel Richie’s catalog. I took every situation, good or bad, and made sure I was learning through each one. So, when part of the break-up is a result of not having a chance to change, it makes me feel like I wasted time.

“I can’t ask you to change who you are. That wouldn’t be fair to you.” Those words stuck with me, because it’s another vague but bold idea that if you aren’t already providing what someone needs, you never will. You can’t. You’re not allowed to.

Maybe the change would’ve been too much, but walking away with uncertainty just makes the curious mind wonder. What wasn’t I providing? Why didn’t I get a chance to hear what it was? Why did she feel like I was incapable of ever providing it? The questions don’t stop, yet answers would only prolong the post-feelings of sorrow. They’re not necessary anymore.

In the past, break-ups would catch me off guard and disrupt my happiness. They would put me in a depressed mood. With everything positive going on in my life — an amazing job with VMG, losing weight, putting out a comic book this year — I’m trying my hardest not to slip. There’s a lot to be thankful for. Even if this break-up wasn’t what I wanted, I appreciate the chance to reflect, hopefully learn what I can do better, and figure out what it is I want out of a relationship.

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