I am selfish.

A friend of mine, who is also the father of a friend and classmate of my daughters, is terminally ill. He has been, for quite a while. Over three years ago he was told that he had a year to live, at the most. From that moment on, he has had ups and downs. There have been moments that it looked like it were his last days, and then there were moments where he seemed to be much better.

My daughter(11) used to be best friends with his daughter. A sweet girl, just like her dad, it was so hard to see a young child seemingly so happy, while under the weight of her life, knowing her dad could die any day.

I am a selfish man. I find it hard to think about my friend and especially the fact that he will leave his daughter behind, but how does that compare to her feelings?

As my friend is currently on his last legs, with the knowledge that these are literally his last days, I noticed a little note my daughter put up in her room somewhere that read “she is no longer my bff”. And that little note broke my heart. In a perfect world, at least in one that I envision, she wouldn’t have written those words. But that is just selfish of me. I’ll go and see him if it’s not too late, but the question that keeps popping up in my head is: “Do I want to visit him because it will make me feel good, or him?”

If it is for me, it proves that selfishness serves a purpose, or at least used to serve purpose when there was still a need for survival in life. In this case, selfishness helps self preservation, and as a result, survival.

If, and I say "if" it is for him, it might still be for me. For I might seek peace of mind in knowing that at least I looked him up, because he appreciates that. It would be less selfish though, as that might bring him a little happiness, as far as that would still be possible.

I am a selfish man. Shame on me.

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