Today, this is my reality

I am raised in a very protective environment. My parents were (and are) very conservative in a many ways, not open to change, afraid of stepping out of what they knew. My older sister always was their prime example. She did everything just right, and was good at most things. I never realised the comparison my parents made between us, even though they may not have done that consciously.

I don't remember much from childhood. I remember a vague feeling of freedom, freedom of choices, a general feeling of being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I never liked school. It always felt like it was just taking up time. My parents projected their expectations on me, and it always felt like a huge responsibility. As my sister had done so well in school and was studying hard, they expected me to do the same. But I didn't want to. I spent my time either walking in nature or listening to Jean Michel Jarre records in my bedroom, dreaming away, imagining things, anything I could come up with. I spent a lot of time sketching, drawing and playing my synthesizer, inventing sounds and melodies as I went along. I finished high school and went to art school. It was all fun and impressive until I discovered something I have always known: one cannot teach art. One can teach techniques though, but it was still a matter of being liked by the teacher. I was only interesting in learning the techniques, and judged on my "art quality". I gave up and went out to look for myself, and work to support myself. All of this was no good in my parents' eyes. But I had to do it.

So, I have been illustrating a childhood, and a young adults' life that may be recognisable for some of you, in one way or another, but, I have not yet come to the point. So here goes.

As I understood that, in order to sustain myself, I needed work, I found work. Way back in art school I had become somewhat familiar with computers (autocad was taught as well) and I had become interested in them. I had already seen a lot of computers in my childhood when staying over with a cousin whose dad was a computer engineer. I owned one, and had spent a lot of time in trying to figure out how to use it. And with time, I had developed quite some knowledge of computers, networking, Linux and the internet. Through these skills, I found a way into IT work and it worked out well for me. Today I find myself still working in IT. I have my responsibilities in life, including a family of my own, a house, debt, cars and whatnot. I still find some enjoyment in my work, but freedom lures. Art knocks on my doors. I am having a hard time finding peace and calmness. I have been trying to write for a long time, but it's hard to focus with a family around me.

Today, this is my reality. I seem to be reasonably good at several aspects of my work, but it doesn't satisfy me. I can do it, and I will, because life demands it from me. I dream about a big change, but I know it's not yet my time. It will come though. I will bloom. But it might take up to ten years. And that's not easy to find peace with. This is my reality today.