AFC South preview 2016: Tennessee Titans

2015 Record: 3–13

Head Coach: Kevin Costner (Probably)

What can you say about the Titans? No seriously I can think of nothing interesting to say about this team. The are the football equivalent of the color beige. They are in the same division as the team I support and I can tell you almost nothing about their current roster. The most interesting thing to happen to them in the last 5 years was Zach Mettenberger getting power-bombed into the turf by selfie king JJ Watt for daring to take a selfie before a game. This franchise literally made Jake Locker give up on football at the ripe old age of 26.

New head coach Mike Mularkey (Kevin Costner) plans to bring a new exciting style of football to Tennessee dubbed “exotic smash-mouth” (seriously) to rejuvenate the anemic offense of last year. Oh and by “new” and “exciting” we mean old and bad. Mularkey’s brillant plan is to run the shit out of large running backs in a ground and pound style offense. Also knows and the style of offense that died off about the same time as perms and shoulder pads. I imagine Mularkey touches himself to game tape of the iron curtain Steelers. The star of this running game is to be Demarco Murray who can’t run out of the shotgun to save his life who they will pair with QB Marcus Mariota who can only work from the shotgun. Exotic smash-mouth!

Let’s take a moment to point out that Mariota deserves better than this, his only two NFL coaches have both apparently not seen a football game since 1985. They’ve been gifted this beautiful Lamborghini of a quarterback that they want so badly to take off-roading and ruin because that’s the SMASH MOUTH TYPE OF FOOBAWL TEAM THEY ARE. Adult protective services should step in and take him away to a good home like the Cardinals that would know how to use him. I can’t even hate him as a Texans fan yet because both times we played the Titans his knees were in a trauma ward somewhere because their shitty offense line is softer than the Colts feelings.

The defense! Fun fact they don’t have a defense. Only 3 teams in 2015 gave up more points per game than they did, that’s not…encouraging. The ghost of Dick LeBeau is their defensive coordinator now presumably to join Mularkey in trying to play a long obsolete style of football. Get ready for zone blitzes everyone! I hope Titans fans are prepared to watch teams march down the field 7 yards at a time. If this defense isn’t in the bottom 10 in the league they should throw them a parade.

Once the coaching staff gets fired halfway through the season for trying to make their players wear leather helmets or whatever bullshit macho crap they try to pull, the team can comfortably settle back into being nothing more than an occasional Sports Center segment. Which is better for everyone.

Prediction: 4–12

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