I Didn’t Mean to Become Introverted

It just happened.

“You have to go outside and see people! Your life is so boring this way, lol.”

I have to go outside and feel the sun’s blaze every once in a while. Remind myself that Hell is not such a bad place. I have to go outside and see people. Remind myself that they remind me of my sacrilege in not having possessions or lovers to worship.


“Depressed? What does that feel like?”

It is when day comes apart and you come apart with it; Tears and terrors. But it stops, and you finally fall asleep sunken with heaviness. Then morning breaks and that heaviness permeates through the chest once more. You get up and wear it like a mask so fitted to deception, no one thinks to question its authenticity.


I didn’t mean to become introverted

It just happened.

My heart was calloused like hands that excavate years for treasures.

But I was only able to retrieve rubble in return.

Witnessing significant departures and burials.

Drifting through existence like it is a hearse…

“Have you ever tried suppressing the thoughts maybe? Come on, give happiness a try! Happiness will grow out of the absence of pain. Like how light is the absence of dark. How love is the absence of hate, success the absence of failure etc.


I didn’t mean to become introverted

It just happened.

“Anxiety? What does that feel like?”

It is like perceiving the future all-at-once very threatening. It is anticipating (what may seem to others as out of nowhere) fissures for earthquakes. It is laying down the plot of land for a grave. It is preparing for the adverse effects before you have heard the therapeutic benefits. It is wearing black like you are going to a funeral. And maybe you are. The indentation that anxiety leaves persists like an anomaly of the soul. And it will return again, of that I cannot be skeptical. It will exert its excruciating weight when falling into those indentations again, cementing foundations on unstable grounds. When it does, this is all I hear:

“ Ha! You thought you’d never see me, like I’d be so rude not to come back and check up on you? How I’ve missed you! I know you miss me too…How could you ever think you dread my company when I have always been there with you from the minute you took your first breath in the world?…I was destined to be there for you, within you. Watching you grow up, there was nothing you could have done to change it really. All those experiences you have navigated through, they all had to take place in carefully calculated intervals so as to give you just enough time to recover, but never too long of a time that you may forget your true self and lead the life of a buffoon in permanent circumstantial oblivion. You are here to suffer. And I am here with you. I always have been…”

I didn’t mean to become introverted

it just happened.

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I didn’t mean to exist either

it just happened.

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