To Cuss or Not to Cuss, Mother Chucker?!


It’s been almost 5 years since I have blogged aka written anything-more-than-140-characters, online. Not because I haven’t had the inspiration, motivation or fire too, but mostly because I have been lazy. Also, I don’t know where people write online anymore. Am I supposed to be on Tumblr? Twitter is so restricting. I can’t think in parts. Yeah, I’m too lazy to even find new venting spaces. Oh wait, I’ve found Medium. Thank goodness.

But as one of the laziest people I know, it really takes SOMETHING for a lazy person to put aside their laziness and become a member of the non-lazy hardworking world again.

So my whole life I have more or less strayed from the act of cussing. Barring of course two important incidents which will prove otherwise:

a) In grad school when I said the f word that rhymes with ‘duck’ exactly 3 times at a boy, whose name I refuse to take, because he pains me like Voldermort pained Harry. Let’s just say he was “the lowest point” and his name meant it too. Now that I look back at it, he doesn’t deserve to have my cussing v-card. I want it back!

b) In 2015, when I was trying to explain to a group of friends, what another individual said, and I let the expletive slip out. That’s the worst feeling ever, knowing it wasn’t my time to cuss but I did. Again, I feel robbed.

They say the third time is a charm. Well I haven’t been charmed yet. I have led a semi-charmed kind of life. Several studies suggest that cussing relieves pent up frustration, helps you relax, makes you smarter, puts you in contention for winning the Nobel Peace Prize, blah blah blah. Please, you and I both know half these studies are made up in a college dorm by a kid trying to make some side cash for his/her side chick.

I don’t cuss but I sure as heck do hang out with a lot of people that do. Out of every 10 friends I have, 9 and a half cuss for sure. In fact, those friends are waiting for me to cuss. There is a major pool about when I start cussing on the regular and what word I will use the most. I don’t want anyone to win money, except me! Turns out I don’t cuss but I sure as heck will like you if you do. You are brave. Also, I listen to the filthiest music, using the most number of expletives. Some I even have to look up on Urban Dictionary. Such is life. Life is such poop. Is poop a bad word? I mean is it like saying “life is such”, sh*t”? Is one worse than the other?

I use a lot of substitutes. I have somehow convinced myself that Sh*t > Cr*p > Poop > Number 2. In this case > = “worse than”. I was so bad at math growing up, that it’s shocking that I am using symbols like > to make you understand my point. Am I going to continue living life as a cuss-less lie? Is it okay to say ‘mother chucker’ instead of the other word? Am I just playing myself and you? Am I really just wasting too much energy trying to come up with substitutes, energy I could spend doing Pilates or yoga or anything the more “nirvana attaining” women of my age are doing? I don’t think I can ask my mother anymore. I am 30. I should know this by now right? Age is so over-rated. That’s going to be my next post.

But seriously, where do people write ish anymore? Bloody heck. Or should I have said the opposite of heaven? I am so confused. I need a freakin’ drink. Darn it! You know what screw it. There is too much to be pissed off about to not want to become a raging potty-mouth.

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