Confidence Challenge: Man-Spreading My Way Through NYC

I watch videos and read stories proclaiming women as socially serving and “others-minded” while men subconsciously insist on taking up space with no fight from the opposite gender. These Facebook feed fillers ask me to challenge the patriarchy and fight systemic sexist. Those who know me well know that I happily and eagerly devour these messages.

I agree with a lot of what I hear, but I sit the way I do because that’s how I’m most comfortable. Maybe I’ve conditioned myself to make room for others, or maybe it’s the lower back pain that started in December, but regardless of any reason, I’m actively choosing to take up more space. This social/health experiment I took on for one week was meant to see the impact of my physical mindfulness. I got way more than I expected.

“Failure doesn’t mean finish.”

My goal was to go uncrossed in all social circumstances; if I’m sitting on my bed, it will be with both legs evenly pointing forward. If I’m on a crowded subway, it will be with my knees touching side-by-side. Failure didn’t mean forgetting my goal and comfortably twisting my right hip to swing my left knee over it’s partner, it meant changing my posture the instant I remembered. The experiment would be over in 12 hours if failure meant finish.

“Not only did I feel fearless, I felt powerful.”

Within the first day, I felt physical relief in my back. I felt my weight evenly distribute, my right side taking on less stress and my left side remembering what it felt like to hold itself. Remembering to uncross felt good, like the physical nourishment of caring for all of me included my soul. I was an instant converter, but remembering this at home or work was the easy part.

Sitting on a near-empty train in the middle afternoon, I was put to the test. Two young men began yelling my way with words I didn’t understand. I tried to ignore them, but couldn’t help but peek at their bloodshot eyes looking at me from another bench. My head reminded me that I was safe, and these were just a couple of kids ditching school, being assholes, and smoking on the train. Still, my body coiled to it’s happy place and I found my legs tangles, arms folded, and back hunched forward. It was clear my body was communicating discomfort when I had failed to use my words.

Failure does not mean finish. I detangled my legs, improved my posture, and rested my arms on my bag in front of me. I looked forward, not at the men, and kept a gaze that would show the worst of people that I mean business. My body followed the lead and I instantly felt less anxious and more in control. I’ll never know if this sent the same message to the two young men and if this is the reason why they soon left me alone. Maybe the muchies kicked in and they were ready for pizza. Regardless, the physical discomfort my new posture relieved me of gave me a new level of confidence; Not only did I find myself fearless, I felt powerful.

It’s been a month or two since my week-long experiment ended. My new job means I spend more time on crowded trains and more effort taking care of my body that sits at a desk in front of a screen for 40 hours a week. But the lesson I learned still resonates. I’m relearning it all the time and grateful to be comfortable and confident any way I choose to sit.