Bad, Bad Hockey Moms
Often inspiration comes in funny places. I went to see the movie Bad Moms this weekend and it got me thinking about hockey moms (naturally). Most of us spend our time doing the right thing by our player, our team and association or district. All the practices, games, equipment management, nutrition, counselling etc…but as the women in Bad Moms, wouldn’t it be fun to just let it all hang out?
So, go ahead be bad for a little while, or at least dream about it, with these wicked ideas:
- At tryouts insist to the coach that your child be on the first line EVERY game, the starting goalie or you AREN’T signing anything!
- Are you a snack mom? Forget the peanut free, gluten free and taste free treats that you made yourself. Just throw 2 bags of tortilla chips at them and show them the way to the drinking fountain in the warm room.
- Always show up to practice 1/2 hour late, the coaches LOVE that.
- Sharp skates? Pssht who needs ’em. Your player will learn to love that dull blade and no edge.
- Brag incessantly about your player’s on ice prowess. Other parents dig the fact that your child carries the team.
- Never take your player’s gear out of their bag under ANY circumstances. Allow it to ferment until the mere sight of the bag has everyone around them gagging.
- Don’t allow your child to take a water bottle to the bench. Instruct them to siphon from the other players’ and be sure they lick the spout..sharing is caring!
- Your rink wardrobe should be as revealing as possible. Every mom wants to be THAT mom. It’s hot.
- Observe the 5 second rule with mouthguards in the locker room. Just wipe it off like you did their pacifier.
- Be sure to hurl obscenities at the goalie for every allowed goal. Extend that courtesy to the goalie’s mom, they really appreciate your feedback.
- Are you a single mom? Be sure to hit on the coaches from opposing teams, it’s kind of like being outside your area/zip code. Totally acceptable.
- Forget the game jerseys each game. Your player will stand out far better in a rigged up version of the real thing.
- If you play in the kids vs parents game, take full advantage and check as many players as you can. They will never get better if you baby them.
Have some fun and I GUARANTEE that you and your child will be asked back on the team in next fall. Either that or blacklisted at every rink in town. Some people are soo touchy.