Unwanted

Im no longer sad about everything that happened. No longer trying to sleep over at friends houses so I don’t have to sleep alone. No longer trying to get drunk so sleep comes easy. Though I must say my room looks like it could be a Blue Moon dispensary. And I do have to admit, I bought $40 worth of grass yesterday to help me sleep. But at least I can be alone now.

I no longer wake up with a heavy heart. Or plan my next move before even finishing my current one.

Right now I am just living. I try not to focus on the weekend, always speeding towards me. I’m trying to enjoy everyday life.

It sucks feeling unwanted. Like your friends don’t want to see you. Maybe time will help that.

I wonder if eventually one of them will wonder where I am. Maybe they’ll be at a bar somewhere, heads spinning with one too many fernet shots, and the tiniest thought pops into one of their heads and they’ll ask “what’s Shayna doing?” And maybe they’ll call, and I’ll most likely be alone. Watching TV or driving around. And I’ll come, finally feeling like someone wants me there.

Until then I have to keep improving myself. I want people to want me around. So I’ll work on myself, mentally and physically. Work on my schoolwork. On my career. Maybe clean my room, maybe clean my car. And hope that a tiny idea pops into a friends head soon.. because I can’t remember the last time I was invited somewhere.

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