If a Woman Needs Oral Sex

There should be no shame.

I will never forget the moment I suggested that a certain boyfriend go down on me. Looking both mortified and disgusted, he asked, "Why on earth would I want to do that?"

And yes, this boyfriend already enjoyed it when I went down on him. The double standard was stark. Since him, I've dated more than one man who had no problem prioritizing his orgasm and leaving my own opportunity in the dust.

It's laughable really, the attention, effort, and acrobatics some men will put into achieving their own perfect climax... when they won't ask their female partner what she likes best or even needs.

In the midst of some men's "harder, faster, slower, softer, not yet--" do you think any of them even realize that they may be shooing our own orgasms away? Assuming that even matters, of course...

In the realm of heterosexual, cisgender relationships, women are long acquainted with the things that most men need, or think they need. First of all, society and our parents tell us. Depending upon your family's religious bent, you might have gotten the whole "sex is a womans duty" story. Practically every girl has heard that "guys only want one thing" narrative.

Women like myself, who were steeped in religious purity culture, grew up wildly unprepared for sex and the real world. Even sex within marriage, or with another Christian could be a trainwreck--all because of the unhealthy attitudes passed down to us about having sex at all.

Many women grow up feeling like sex is something we owe a man if we make some grave misstep. Some of us have never even heard that we have a right to enjoy sex ourselves.

Some of these bad messages are simply archaic and used to try to compel young people of both genders into abstinence. But some negative messages about sex conveniently benefit men, and those messages have shaped societal expectations regarding sex between a man and a woman.

Hence, girls grow up to discover that certain sex acts have become a right of passage for her to perform. Things like giving a boy a hand job or blow job, and saying yes to anal sex if that's what he wants.

Though many men may laugh these things off, most women can attest to the fact that society grooms us to smile and comply. And all of those societal expectations get particularly stressful when it comes to sex and climaxing.

Orgasms are complicated... particularly for women. And rather than blame biology and look for proper working solutions, women may be surprised to find accusing fingers pointed in their direction.

There's a certain amount of freedom and ability to lose oneself in the moment which every woman needs to climax during sex. Sure, some female orgasms may be involuntary and strictly mechanical. But in general, hetero women will struggle to climax when compared to our male partners.

Like if or not, the orgasm gap is a real thing, and some of its disparity might be due to our crappy attitude about women and oral sex.

When we talk about the male orgasm, most women with male partners are familiar with how to help their partner get off through a few different methods. And let's face it, every man has a preference.

At 36, I feel pretty comfortable saying most men in my dating pool have a combined hope and expectation that their female partners will be open to vaginal intercourse, giving oral sex, and mixing things up with giving out a hand job. And while most guys aren't pushing women into anal sex--it's definitely growing in popularity--so more men are expecting a woman to comply.

From a relationship standpoint (versus one night stands), sex is about connection, intimacy, fun, and pleasure. It's primal. It should feel relaxed and freeing. We should be able to let our masks fall away in really good sex.

That said, it's perfectly natural and healthy to have favorite positions and even favorite types of sex. What's the problem with that?

Clearly, sex acts are between one person and their partner(s), but to be honest, I don't see much shame hurled toward men who like to get oral best.

Yet people are so quick to judge a woman with a preference for receiving oral sex.

Some of the coolest, kindest, and most intelligent people I know have complained that a woman who thinks she needs oral sex to climax doesn't know her own body. Or she's selfish and immature.

Thank you, Sigmund Freud.

I would argue that some of us know our bodies enough to understand that there's nothing wrong with a woman who doesn't climax during vaginal intercourse.

In fact, there's nothing wrong with a woman who puts oral sex on her regular needs list. Because please. Tell me more about which types of orgasm an individual woman is allowed to have.

Granted, it's a subject I take personally because when it comes to my ability to climax, oral is my preference by far. I still want to have p-in-v intercourse--I just know I'm not going to climax unless there's clitoral stimulation happening at the same time.

And no, not every partner is great at giving oral. But so what? I've always been willing to practice to better please my partner. Who wouldn't want to do their best for someone they care for?

Too many of us value good sex that comes easy, rather than working with the partner(s) we have to make sex good. And even better.

Frankly, I am not a fan of fingering at all. My skin is very sensitive--Brazilian waxes make me bleed--and there are few things more off-putting than a man accidentally scraping my lady bits as he's trying to finger my clit.

See? Everyone's got their turn-offs. Scrape my insides and I'll get a knee-jerk reaction to shut it down. I highly doubt I'm the only woman in the world who feels this way.

I can’t seem to escape the culture that calls a woman's preference for oral sex problematic. Most men I’ve dated have never asked me what I need in bed. And since I wasn’t taught to enjoy sex, asking for a partner’s assistance feels incredibly strange. Among the few who enjoyed giving oral, I found myself worried about taking too damn long since I genuinely “lose” my orgasm from time to time.

People also argue that it's not my partner's fault if I get stuck in my head, nor that I have so much baggage from religion and my childhood. That I should be able to work those things out without their help. And without a preference for oral.

Anyone who's ever been in a relationship knows that nothing is so simple. We carry some of our baggage into the next relationship, and if we're lucky, we unpack that baggage together in a positive way.

It's way past time that we began addressing a woman's right to own her sexuality, and even speak up for her right to orgasm. We have to quit giving women mixed messages and sexual double standards.

If confidence is so sexy, trust a woman who knows what she wants and needs to get off. If you are a woman who climaxes just fine through intercourse, count yourself damn lucky instead of criticizing the majority of women who can't. And if you are the kind of man who expects that a woman should a.) orgasm through p-in-v intercourse alone, or b.) not care if she climaxes as much as you--you're missing out on the fullness of female sexuality.

And fyi we're getting a bit tired of having to finish up with our vibrators.

What a waste. Better sex for women would translate into better sex for men. Because let’s get real--one of the best things about getting there is the touch and human intimacy. The connection.

I don't write any of these stories to trash men or blame them. There's plenty of opportunity for men and women to learn more and do better together.

Today? Let's quit telling women how they should or shouldn't reach orgasm.