I’ve been learning a lot ever since I started writing about the gendered orgasm gap. Some lessons have been enlightening and hopeful as I encounter men who get it. And some lessons have been a little bit disappointing as I encounter men who miss the point. There have been a few men to take the opportunity to “talk dirty” in response… which I suppose I should have expected as a woman bringing up the topic of orgasms.
But perhaps the most disappointing responses have been from men who don’t believe my accounts to be true. And I’m not even talking about the typical MRA response which tries to accuse me of coercing men into unwanted sex acts. They missed the point long ago and there’s no driving it home.
So instead, let’s talk about an MRA-adjacent response to the orgasm gap: men who don’t believe the gap exists and instead blame any discrepancy upon women friend zoning the good guys who would make us come.
It’s an interesting angle I never considered in the past. I’m still not a big believer in the "friend zone" that so many men cry foul about. And I’m pretty sure that if I wanted to, I could write up a rant about too many men friend zoning women based on appearance.
Could, but don’t actually care to.
I’m more interested in this idea that women are to blame for the orgasm gap because we somehow choose to partner up with men who are selfish in the bedroom. And why would we do such a thing? Apparently it’s simple.
Men supposedly stuck in the friend zone complain that we women pick our partners based on appearance or wealth.
That’s a pretty bold statement, especially when we consider the sociology and physiology of sex and that pesky orgasm gap.
- Sigmund Freud belittled the clitoral orgasm, claiming it was reserved for immature or mentally ill women.
- Religion has long relegated sex to procreation, and a female orgasm isn't necessary to procreate.
- Women in our culture are still shamed for having more sex, while men are revered.
- Culturally, we view penetrative sex as real sex. Anything else is looked upon as mere sexual activity or foreplay.
- There's a general lack of knowledge about the clitoris and clitoral orgasm-- including how long it takes the average female to climax.
For the men who'd like to believe that the gendered orgasm gap is due to women choosing handsome or wealthy men who are selfish in the bedroom, they have to toss out the facts above, and operate on an antiquated view of dating and mating.
Clearly, I can only speak for myself. But I don't date on mere appearance, I've never considered a man's financial prowess a factor in dating, and I don't "friend zone" men. I'm demisexual so a good friend is more likely to become attractive to me than some conventionally attractive stranger.
In general, the friend zone is a weak argument. It overlooks the fact that women tend to value character, personality, and an emotional connection over physical appearance. Plus plenty of people--men and women alike--dream of falling in love with a best friend.
I don't believe that women typically put men in a friend zone. Frustrated men tell themselves and society that they've been friend zoned when a woman they're attracted to doesn't reciprocate that attraction.
You know that everybody experiences rejection, right? Not just the guys who think they're a great catch women overlook.
When it comes to conversations about sex and the gendered orgasm gap, we don't need to give men more excuses to tune out female voices. Instead, we need men who believe women. So, talk to them. Put yourself in their shoes.
Many women will spend a lifetime pleasing others, listening to others, and even believing others over their own experiences. We put ourselves in your shoes all the damn time. This is all par for the course of being female in this world. We are groomed to smile and nod and avoid making a scene. We are expected to be nurturers and sex kittens.
This grooming has most certainly added to the orgasm gap and the fact that so many women have faked an orgasm. We worry about taking too long. Some of us have grown up thinking we don't even have a right to climax.
Stories like this are all about starting conversations and taking away some of the "taboo factor" when we bring up a woman's right to pleasure. It's never about forcing or coercing men into something they don't want do.
Some men simply don't understand the gendered orgasm gap, but once they listen and think about it, their perspective of good sex changes. They become more empathetic to their partner's needs. Many men will actually enjoy better sex as a result.
And as for the other guys? Well, if they continue to insist that a woman's pleasure is less than their own, and they aren't interested in hearing what their own partner needs, it's pretty simple. You're not compatible.
Here's to closing the gap!