The other day Saka posted this tweet

And was immediately bombarded by replies

And so on and so forth.

And then there was this guy, who I think probably needs an intervention.

I sent a couple of replies as well, ok fine I practically spammed his mentions with just a tip of the iceberg of my man cave plans because lets face it, e done tey wey men done dey reason am.

I’m practically a hermit (crab), different only from that creature by a more advanced nervous system, fewer limbs, and having my skeleton on the inside. Beyond that however, corollaries can be drawn between its soft abdomen that necessitates the shell it schleps around, and my default disposition of shunning human interaction which means 9 times out of 10, I’ll rather curl up in bed and watch The Big Bang Theory reruns than dress up and go out to navigate the waters of social interaction.

This means that inside must be so well designed and furnished that no amount of temptations from outside will be able to lure me out.

So I decided to organise the thoughts in all those mentions I sent that day into my very first medium post.

Wikipedia says;

A man cave or manspace is a male retreat or sanctuary in a home, such as a specially equipped garage, spare bedroom, media room, den, or basement. The term "man cave" is a metaphor describing a room inside the house where "guys can do as they please" like a caveman, without fear of upsetting any female sensibility about house decor or design.

Right on Wikipedia. Right on.

For those who snort derisively at Wikipedia references, Merriam-Webster says;

a room or space (as in a basement) designed according to the taste of the man of the house to be used as his personal area for hobbies and leisure activities

Same nò o ní

My ideal man cave will serve as a media room/place I go to be alone/library/DIY projects workshop/spare bedroom.

In one word, Nerdvana.

To paraphrase Sheldon Cooper, In an ever-changing world, it will be the single area of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, this man cave, at the moment I put the finishing touches to it and launched it, would be (0,0,0,0).

It will be such a sanctuary that na small go remain make people dey need visa to enter the place e.g. on game night, or when we want to see Transformers 16.

So without further ado…

I’ve always been of the opinion that any self respecting media room should not let a television be the, excuse the anthropomorphism, person in the driver’s seat. A self respecting media room knows that this position should be occupied by a kick-ass (ultra short throw) projector. I’m not going to dive into the age old TV v. Projector argument, they both have their merits and demerits, but with the advent of increasing popularity of ultra short throw projectors, that do away with many of the reasons people pick TVs over projectors, it’s becoming more and more of a no-brainer to pick a projector over a TV. Maybe in your sitting room, a TV is more appropriate but if you’re gonna have a media room, a projector makes the most sense. That being said, my man cave will have nothing but the amazing Sony LXPS-W1S 4K ultrashort throw projector capable of turning any 147" wall into a 4K TV. If I delve into how awesome this projector unit is, the reading time for this article will quadruple. (By way of comparison, Samsung has an 85" TV for $50k and a 110" or for $150k, the projector I just mentioned costs $50k). See what I’m saying?

Sound is very important, and to join that large screen in creating the utmost immersive experience, I will be employing the services of any sound system from Sony, Samsung or LG that supports the Dolby Atmos standard. The projector comes with its own speakers but I’m sure they will need augmenting.

Where are all the things I’m gonna be gawking at or bobbing my head to gonna come from? A network attached storage system with 2 × 8TB (or maybe 16TB because why the hell not?) arranged in RAID1 configuration, at its heart. This will be home to movies and shows (1080p, HEVC minimum), music, hi-res pictures (to set the mood when I just wanna read), a rich eBook (novels, comic books, magazines) library and any other thing I can think of.

PlayStation 4(K) or better goes without saying.

What’s that Albie?

I’m relatively impressed so far. Proceed.

I like to read. I was brought up that way (I had more books than toys), so The Cave™ will have a biblio-centric area with a shelf filled with books that constitute my current physical library, and no less than five Kindles loaded with popular titles (more, should you want them, will be available on the aforementioned storage device) strewn around this area.

We’re not gonna be standing around are we? There will be plush seats (I’m still mulling over some form of stadium seating) and a large couch that can double as a bed for horizontal salsa with madam. The star of the show, however, will be a top notch La-Z-Boy recliner that envelopes me as I enjoy retinal small chops and ensures that when I sleep off while watching reruns (as I usually do), I won’t wake up needing a chiropractor’s appointment. I hereby place this chair, hereafter known as My Spot, in a state of eternal dibs.

A well stocked refrigerator (with cans of Heineken kept at exactly 6–8°C), full air conditioning, mood lighting (the place will be almost always dark however, the images from the projector providing the light), memorabilia from my favorite shows and movies (life size Gregory House woohoo) make up the miscellany.

I dabbled in shoe making while waiting for JAMB results and became passably good at it, so I will have a DIY area to pick up from where I left off. Here’s hoping that muscle memory go still dey, and that in no time I’ll be wearing my own designs.

I’ve not forgotten power, having NEPA or whatever moniker they now go by, interrupt movie night is not a good look. So, powering all of this will be (a) solar panel(s) and (an) inverter(s).

I’ve also not forgotten an internet connection which will be of the high speed and pervasive variety. I mean, how else is the internet gonna know that The Cave™ is the place to be?

Someone rightfully expressed skepticism at all the lofty dreams

But thank God say man nor be God.

So what’s the ballpark figure and how am I gonna get it?

I had this to say;

We really famz Him, because as the popular Nigerian adage says; soup wey sweet, na money kill am.

If, and when I achieve this dream, then ladies and gentlemen, I will have made it to Shangri-La.

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