Mommy hood — Exhilarating and Depressing @ the same time.
While motherhood as most of us agree is a blessing,Postpartum depression is as far as you can get from a blessing. It takes you months if not weeks to realize that you indeed are suffering from it. Denial that you can be suffering from Depression keeps you suffering for months before you arrive at what I call the breaking point (or come to terms that you are depressed)
I had my baby last year, she filled my heart with so much love. I did not know I could care so much until I held her in my arms. Just thinking about her makes me smile and yet postpartum is the exact opposite — It makes you morose,listless, angry just plain Unhappy.
It took me over 5 months to realize I was suffering from it. My daughter was born in October and my breaking point happened sometime in April last year when i returned from India feeling miserable(after a good 6 weeks). I normally come back from India recharged, ready on to take on the world kinda feelings. However this time I came back listless, anxious and unhappy.almost Zombie like.
While most articles/posts will tell you its exhaustion and I will agree that plays a part but its not all. I tried getting a good nights sleep but that did not help with my mood either. I wasn't feeling happy. I was less exhausted but unhappy. I tried meeting friends 1x1 but realized that i don't have much to talk about either. Not only that shortly after I met them I felt exhausted. In fact just listening to some of them I felt exhausted. 80 year olds probably feel the same way when they see teenagers running around.
I finally decided to see a shrink to get myself out. I went for my first session only to hear that PPD was purely hormonal and that I need to take medicines that would manipulate hormones to snap out of it. I REFUSED to take any such meds with the determination that i would help myself out of it. My shrink asked me why i had lost color when she told me about taking those medicines and I said “you are asking to manipulate my hormones and that shouldn't be of any concern to me at all?? Seriously?” Sometimes Shrinks needs Therapy.
Determined to feel happy I decided to embark on a trip, something which most parents will tell you is just exhausting with a baby, to my surprise it actually helped me elevate my mood. Once I was happy the exhaustion did not bother me. I came back feeling happy after months. Furthermore I was happy that I was happy :) It lasted a few weeks until I started weaning and there I was in pits again only this time I was informed of it and consciously tried getting myself out of it.