The secret guest-list of #ShahidKiShaadi

Actor Shahid Kapoor (not to be confused with the much more famous Shaheed Kapur, a martyr camphor tablet from north-western Uttarakhand), got married a few days ago. It was a very under-reported event, possibly because it was a marriage of two human beings and not of sentient camphor tablets from north-western Uttarakhand.

But despite the lack of any mainstream coverage of this marital union, there were some die-hard fans of Shahid Kapoor’s talents (actor-ing?) who valiantly fought towards making the event relevant. The activists, hitherto known as Shanatics (named after the Gregory David Roberts novel Shantaram) momentarily rebranded themselves as Shehnaitics given the ceremonial nature of their noble undertaking.

The guest-list to this event included many Bollywood celebrities and their assistants. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact number but our sources ensure that most of the attendees had hair. Some of the more distinctive guests are listed below:

  1. Gulzarilal Nanda

The second (and fourth) Prime Minister of Independent India, Shri Gulzarilal Nanda, visited the Chance Pe Dance actor’s wedding (nay, Vivah) to bless the lucky couple. They insisted he stay for dessert but he bade them a quick farewell insisting that all life exists in a quantum temporal flux and that everything can be broken down into pure mathematics, before disappearing into an ultraviolet hued portal.

2. That ghost kid from Just Mohabbat

While most of us know him as Jai’s imaginary friend Gautam from the 90s sci-fi rock opera, Just Mohabbat, let’s make this clear that just because most of us believe in something, it doesn’t make it real. Even if people have believed in it for thousands of years. So while it may have inspired the etchings of Tyler Durden from Chuck Pahlanuik’s Fight Club (incidentally published on the same year as Just Mohabbat), there is conclusive evidence that Jai accidentally pushed his friend off a cliff. It’s there somewhere. Thus making him less imaginary and more of a comforting mirage to cope with the death of a friend. Either that, or he was a full on ghost.

So anyway, he was there at the wedding, hovering.

3. Oxygen Isotopes

The primary and secondary isotopes of Oxygen arrived by air and proceeded to click selfies near a potted fern that was clearly made of plastic.

4. Fictional characters Mussadilal and Hansaben.

They just showed up in our realm. Like somehow they were not fictional characters written into existence by human imagination. Clearly, some form of a multiversal crossover event orchestrated by Sab TV’s particle research division, Mussadilal from Office Office (created by Ricky Ricky Gervais Gervais) and Hansaben from Khichdi (created by Dal and Rice) showed up at the wedding of the Kismat Konnection actor and headed straight for the buffet counter never to be seen again.

5. Dandruff

Shahid Kapoor’s ex and existential foe, Dandruff showed up unannounced and proceeded to wreak havoc. Armed with what was clearly an accidentally sent Facebook invite, Dandruff blocked all the entries preventing the newlyweds from becoming newlyweds. The Badmaa$h Company thespian then decided to make amends with Dandruff, talking about all the wonderful times they had during dance class. Dandruff fell for it too, not realising that it was a ruse. This moment of weakness on Dandruff’s behalf led to Shahid’s bodyguard Champak to pour ZPTO yukt Clinic All Clear on it, dooming it to shrink about 90 times. It would have been more effective with Pantene Pro-V but painful memories of Kareena Kapoor prevented him from taking this far more logical step. Love is strange that way.