“I know that but it can’t be helped” and you know there is a problem at hand. No matter what you say to them, how hard you try to convince them to look at it with the slightest bit of common sense. But their concept of “love” and “liking” always gets the better of them. The thing they refer to as love acts similar to a virus or bacteria. It first cuts off anything which can cause a threat to its existence, in this case the “ability to think clearly”. Then it starts spreading itself, growing its roots in the heart and mind of the victim and before they know what hit them it’s already too late.
An emotional epidemic , unique and phenomenal in fact, how it starts to manipulate and modulate the most common events into the ones which matches those desired by it. “Oh today he saw me and smiled”. “Today she was in the same bus which I always take back home”, “today we ran into each other at the store, it must be a sign right?” The human brain is considered to be the prime form of intelligence known so far but it’s quite amazing how our impulses and emotions best us in this case.
Us being the emotional fools we are often fall prey to such notions, the funny thing is we know what’s right at all points, we know how things will unfold in the future but still that “maybe” shreds every last bit of reasoning we had. Then the neglecting of reality begins as we get a bit too comfortable with what our feelings, emotions, imagination feed us with. We are so engrossed in our own little version of reality that we move past all the signs and signals that tell us otherwise, and at the last we hit the dead end of our little self-made fairy tale and everything shatters in a moment of truth.
Everyone wants his or her existence to be known, wants to be recognized not necessarily in a big and bash way but in small amounts. No one wants to live alone and this tendency of “being known” and ‘wanted” is the reason for inception of such things. Some of us are unhappy because we don’t have such relations, connections, while those who do are almost at the same level of satisfaction, happiness and content struggling to keep it going as far as it possibly can.
Sometimes it’s the external forces which usher us into premature relations which brings complications later on. The social trend manipulates us to follow the common path and we land ourselves in situations which are difficult to get out of without someone getting hurt in the process. But that’s not the entire story, the thing which is to be thought upon is even if we fall victim to the social pressure and end up in relationships which lacks compatibility, understanding and happiness then why can’t we find a mature solution to the problem.
The concept of dragging the things as they are hoping that it will fix itself is the most lethal poison to a relationship. Most of the times we are under the impression that we are the ones giving our all into our relation and it’s the other person who needs to change and understand. We like to picture ourselves as the “mature one” failing to understand that even if that is the case it is our responsibility to look after our partner. Hoping that something overnight will happen on its own and will bring the much awaited change is just like waiting for Santa.
Dealing with feelings is not something we are taught and trained in. We learn and understand how to deal with them by the social experiences we have all throughout our journey. It requires great deal of courage and stability to resist the impulses and decide without letting our mind get clouded with our emotions. It’s where most of us fail, the temptation, the thrill of the moment, almost shuts our brain down and all that we are left to think with is our heart.
This combination is not something which we should go for as history narrates several instances supporting the argument. Even mighty emperors, the learned philosophers, scholars have fallen prey to this phenomenon, maybe that’s why the term “falling in love”.
The one thing on which most people will argue at this moment is the fact that these emotions I am talking about not always end up in wrecking us. There are a lot of cases, instances where the destiny or the odds ruled in the heart’s decision. They are as happy as they ever can be, for some their partners held them in their time of need, inspired them, gave them a purpose to fight in times of crisis and became their strength in need.
That’s how it should be, if they are at this stage where they can stand by this without any doubt in their mind then they are truly lucky and fortunate. They satisfy the concept of “finding the soulmate”, a zone which everyone wishes to be in. People think about such ideal cases, procrastinate over it, a parallel version of their reality where they have what they have been longing for all this time.
That’s when you start getting in trouble, this little habit is like morphine or any other painkiller. It helps you get over the pain and is good for you in case you get hit by an unfavorable, unexpected life event. But if you get hooked on to it, make it something which starts controlling you then you are done for. To make things worse if you have someone to build this dream with, an unconfessed crush, a liking towards someone then you are running on thin ice.
Let’s rewind back a decade or two, there were times when people enjoyed their own company. When a constant need of companionship was not this pressing. You take a day off, go to a quiet place, read your favorite book, listen to some good old beats and you are relaxed. It gave you the time and space, the isolation you needed to sit and think with a clear mind about things. Things that mattered to you, which made a difference in your life.
No matter how complex your dilemmas were you found an answer. You took out time to discover who you really are, saw how life was passing you by every second you were trapped in that “pipe line lifestyle” with only one entry, one path to move on and only one exit. It opened your vision to things you failed to see from the inside.
This have changed now, what people are most afraid of at the moment is loneliness of any kind. The entire concept of being alone is being seen as something to be scared of, a haunting experience. Being alone and being lonely are not the same things, lonely is a person who is sitting in self-pity, blaming and thinking about things that didn’t go his or her way. “I would be there if this didn’t happen, that didn’t happen” and sees the lives other people are having which “could have been” his or hers and feels envious. To prevent it from eating him or her up from the inside, finds a way to distract itself. Going out with friends, family, social media is playing the savior role for such people. An ideal refuge to sneak away when reality asks you the questions you don’t want to face.
Mankind was never a fan of change. The tendency to drag things till they break, become unbearable does the most damage. It’s only when things get out of hand, take the form of a disaster or tragedy, inflicts severe pain that provides us with the necessary force to cross the threshold and bring the much needed change.
The same mentality pests us in small day to day issues. No matter how bad the things are we get attached to the hope of things getting better a bit too much and hurt ourselves in the process. The fear of how the things will be if we take a decisive step like “What if I decide to move on”, “what if I decide to confront my partner about the issue”, how will things unfold? What will be the consequences? Questions like these seep in our mind, weaken the courage, the resolve which we have built so far and stops us from tackling the situation head on like we are supposed to.
What people fail to understand that until and unless they try to make a serious effort to bring about any kind of change things will not miraculously turn around. You think that it will be alright, that you will adjust to the issue, that it’s just a matter of time before things get back to normal but guess what the only person whom you are fooling is yourself. The funny thing is even you know that, but still the “not letting go” attitude hampers the happiness which awaits you on the other side.
The problem still doesn’t ends here, even if you show a moment of courage, take the plunge, address the problem and are out of it, you start second guessing the decision the moment reality hits you. “Did I make the correct choice?”, “was there a way things could have ended differently?”, “Did I overreact?” “Does our relationship deserves a second chance?” “Maybe things will turn out differently this time?” questions like these are the termites which eat away the foundation of the new beginning you just started building.
That’s why you meet the person whom you had a past with, a relationship of some sort and after a while you are on this track. People always have a soft corner for those whom they are or were attracted to in the past. If things are not dealt with correctly and permanently when you decided to move out then there is a very good possibility that your judgement will shatter in front of the blast from the past which will come after you in one form or the other and hit you sooner or later.
This is the relapse which hurts the most because if there is no genuine reason for the differences which came between the people involved the first time then there will be a second time and the one after that and it will keep on happening unless and until you finally understand and accept the truth.
The thing most people lack is self believe, to think that things were going on fine before this and they will continue to do so after this. No doubt that this chapter which you just ended or are thinking to end will always have an effect on your life ahead for good or for bad. The memories, moments, conflicts and the things which made it special will always be there looking back. But those are things to learn from and move on.
To stick to the thought that you deserve better than what you currently have, to be happier than you are right now, that things are far more beautiful and interesting ahead requires willpower, because things take time to unravel themselves. There will be times when you will find it difficult to believe in things of this sort, you will find the things you had to be of more value than present scenario.
To think positively and clearly is the key here, never losing the sight of why you came to such decision in the first place helps to calm down in times of weakness. It’s just like the craving a person feels when he says no to his favorite food on a diet. That discipline of mind is what you need, that differentiation between the things you want at the moment and the things you want most makes all the difference.
Whenever you are not satisfied with you current situation, when you start sensing a void inside of you , that something is missing , something is not right that is the time to ask yourselves the right questions. The thing which doesn’t clicks at the time is that to be somewhere where you want to be you need to get out of the place you currently are in.
The next hurdle, fear of future will always loom over you in whatever you do. Whenever the decisions which matter to you, which will affect your present and future are to be made the fear will come into picture. Its nature’s way of putting a safeguard in human psychology which prevents us from taking hasty decisions.
But if we let it become the governing factor then we will be too paralyzed to take the necessary step. At the end of the day it’s your call but if you are falling prey to the emotional barriers which are holding you back then the reason for your hesitation is not the excuse you are giving to satisfy your condition it’s the lack of will power and self-confidence. Dealing with emotions is not a walk in the park, it’s not something which can be dealt purely in black or white, agreed, but at the end a decision has to be taken, whether to break the cycle and start a new chapter or fall victim to the same relapse which has been constraining you all this time.
The choice is yours.