From The Inside: Understanding an 11 Year Old Emotion.

I never touch my phone till it’s 9 am, or at least I try my hardest not to. It’s something I decided when I realised how much time I was wasting on distractions like news and quora posts instead of exercising or just getting ready for work on time. Yet Friday morning, 21st July I had a nagging need to go online and check my phone as if there was something I wanted to know. So I did.
Chester Bennington, Linkin Park’s vocalist had committed suicide by hanging the previous night.
Wow, okay. This was clearly big with all the social media eulogies and tribute posts. Understandably so. A lot of my generation grew up listening to his music through school and college and the nostalgia Linkin Park induced was pretty obvious to relate to. I was no exception to the crowd who made ‘Numb’ and ‘In The End’ the anthems to sing if you were asked to sing the first English song that came to mind. So yeah, like many I too was sad about Chester’s passing. But there was more to it than I understood at first.
If I was expressive enough as a writer I’d understand the levels of sadness in ascending order (highest being the saddest) and write about it here for you to understand better but I cant so I’m just going to tell you: I was at that highest level of desolate sadness. The thing people describe as ‘feeling empty inside’, or ‘I don’t know what to do next.’ That kind of stuff. I’d stopped thinking of whatever I was planning to do for the rest of my day and wanted to just stand there. And I really didn't know why this was happening.
I hadn't even heard Linkin Park’s music in years. I even became a critic of theirs; feigning indifference to their last few releases cause I felt they’d become commercial sell outs who’s music did not appeal to me anymore. So why was this such a monumental loss to me?
The immediate next thing to do when in such a shock felt like listening to Chester’s music. The music I had formed a bond with at a time I didn't even understand what emotions meant.
So I picked up ‘Hybrid Theory’ and ‘Meteora.’ Their debut and second album which happened to be the first few albums I knew front to back. The main riff on ‘Points of Authority’ was and still is one of the tastiest riff’s I’ve ever heard come out of a guitar. The chorus on ‘Crawling’ communicated such a lack of control to me I almost saw what addiction does to people. Somewhat embarrassingly today but nonetheless, Mike Shinoda’s verses on ‘In the End’ were my introduction to rap music and Chester finishing his sentences every pre-chorus made me think he’s such a genius. Playing that intro to ‘A Place for my Head’ was my first goal as a guitarist. ‘Lying from you’ had a background tune so catchy I’d hear its karaoke version just to hear that for 5 minutes. ‘Hit the floor’ had appeared in a Wrestlemania advertisement and even today I visualise The Undertaker choke-slamming somebody when the first count of the Chorus beat hits. ‘Faint’ had the sickest music video they ever made and a very headbang friendly groove. ‘Numb’ and ‘From the Inside’ were two songs that were just too beautiful to not like. With ‘One step closer’ I couldn’t believe how much I headbanged to this as a kid. Chester screaming ‘Shut up when I’m Talking to you’ literally meant Metal music to me.
Linkin Park defined a genre to me. That’s why they mean so much to me.
It’s what I never understood as a 12 year old. But Linkin Park created music which was never ever made before. And it was in my fate to have heard it and spend time with it. So when I say Linkin Park started a lot about music for me, I really mean this. I don’t know if it was metal or rock or heavy metal or nu-metal or rap-metal but I know it was a coming together of guitars, drums, bass, electronic music, a rapper who didn't want to sound like every rapper and a singer who’s raspy voice really soared above everything. And I loved it so much.
And so I realised, what really hurt me was not just Chester’s death but the fact that that music, that kind of coming together of elements so quintessentially Linkin Park that it defined a time period spanning 2 years of music discovery would never occur again. And I’m going to sound every bit cliched when I say this but a part of my childhood really did die with Chester.
There are many more things I can write about what that band inspired me to do way before anybody else did. But this is about Chester. And like Chester’s music taught me so much when I knew the least, it even helped me at a time his death hurt me the most.
And I think in many ways this is how I am coming to terms with his death. By listening to his music.
He achieved his purpose with the music he made; Yes, he could have and should have done more had he still been alive. But he did more in 40 years than what most of us musicians even dream of doing in a lifetime.
On a less personal note, I hope this sheds more light on the need for awareness of good mental health and the need for increased sensitivity towards friends, family members and even strangers who suffer from depression.
What I felt on Friday, my parents’ generation felt 23 years ago when Kurt Cobain died and my Grandparents’ generation felt in 1970 when Hendrix asphyxiated on drugs. I pray the next generation don’t lose their music heroes in ways like these. Please reach out if you need help and reach out to those you think need help.
Rest in peace Chester.
