First, my heart goes out to you. As someone who’s been in a state of depression since my brother was killed in a collision 33 years ago, I can relate.
Since attempting suicide twice 9 years ago it’s been a never-ending struggle. Multiple collisions, two bouts with cancer and many other setbacks later, I marvel I’m still here and reasonably healthy — considering I obsess about ending my life constantly.
The thing is, I feel like deep down I’m a deeply joyful person. There’s much I have to be thankful for but living in this omnicidal culture makes me (and most of humanity) feel desperately lonely, hopeless and powerless. This video speaks to this dysfunction: Depression is a Disease of Civilization
Knowing that depression is a normal, indeed healthy response to living in this toxic culture comforts me. Knowing how extremely painful life will become for all of us in the coming years makes life even more unbearable at times because I can’t protect and defend my loved ones. I can’t even discuss the issues facing us with them. There is nobody in my circle of friends and family who wants to listen.
So, as meaningless as life has become, my only way of coping has become my cheerful facade. I’ve tried revealing my truth — it backfired on me. Now I count the days when I will find the strength to end my life so I at least won’t be a burden to others.