… There’s no nice way of saying this, and I’m positive everyone has/ had a battle with self image at some point in their life. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re the confident type, to which I say: teach me your ways, you self loving animal. (That’s not an insult, animals are amazing).
And before you jump to conclusions, which we all love to do before reading more than the first 5 lines of a post, I’m not asking you to compliment me. First of all, it’s because of my lack of trust: I will automatically think you’re just saying it to make me feel good.
Second of all: it’s my own process of self acceptance and I need to get to that point where I don’t even have to think about what your thoughts about me may be.
And third: yes, I am writing this on Valentine’s Day — it’s very unrelated. Trust me. LOL.
And yes, physical beauty could be a fad, but I have no way of knowing this since I am constantly bombarded with images of how I should look like, I always come across articles on how I should behave or keep on hearing people telling me that my thinking is wrong (no matter the subject).
So let me be me, even if I sometimes feel ugly. It’s not your duty to “fix” it.
Without further ado, and because I really enjoy making lists lately, I have compiled a list of moments of when I feel most ugly, inside and out.
- When I wake up in the morning and I’m sweaty and my hair is a mess and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet and I feel like I need to blow my nose because I can’t breathe properly and I think about how I must’ve slept with my mouth open for a while. Absolutely gross.
But I sleep alone and that’s mostly okay.
- When I start putting my make-up on in some kind of way-too-clear light and see everything that’s on my face. With or without make-up.
But it’s my morning routine, it makes me feel sane and that’s how I begin my day, and there are pretty colors.
- Whenever I’m walking around and catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window, with my head hanging low, my lop-sided back, probably looking down on my phone trying to find that Feel good Friday playlist on Spotify. It’s not a good look and I am very aware that I don’t inspire much self confidence.
But it’s raining and it’s cold and I don’t how people can sit up straight in this fckin weather while I’m trying to preserve all the body heat I still have left until I get to some place warm.
- Whenever I catch myself judging other people. My self awareness goes to a very meta level where I question my every thought or move and I tend to over analyze it so that’s how I am deeply and ugly-ly* aware that I do judge people and it makes me feel ugly.
But I’m working on it and it’s getting easier not to go on that path these days.
- When I’m being rejected. I automatically think it’s my fault, which I have been taught growing up, by family and society. I get into thinking I’m not enough, I don’t look as desirable as they would prefer, I’m not smart enough, not funny enough, not “something” enough. Therefore, ugly.
I haven’t found something to make it work on this specific subject. Will get back to you if or when I do.
- Whenever I compare myself to other women my age, who have had similar paths in life but are somehow (more) successful or accomplished. I am in awe of them, truly. It just makes me think of how much I could have done if I took different decisions, so I end up putting myself down, making myself feel ugly.
But I know that I still have the time to make changes. I really do know what to do. It’s the implementation process that’s taking more time.
Look, I’m not trying to get your attention in the way that I would try with a boujee selfie on Instagram. I know about “the journey to self love”. It sure takes a while, tho, and I can’t wait to get there. Gimme the healthy thoughts with rainbows and unicorns, because I’m all for it #crossmyheart.
What I’m trying to say is that no matter how you feel, it’s okay to talk about it.
And you may think I’m asking for attention (told you I’m meta like that), believe what you will. Make sure it doesn’t make you feel ugly.