this might be the stupidest decision I’ve ever made

4 weeks ago when I made the decision to drop everything and come back home was the toughest decision I made to far. I cried horribly like never before in my adult life. It was really hard for me but I learned a lot about myself.

When I’m saying this past decision was the toughest one in my life then this one might be stupidest I’ve ever made.

Let me explain.

First, you might wanna know what I’m talking about? We get there. No rush.

Let me tell you one thing I learned going back home. You can make a decision anytime and chance your life within a day completely. Most of us know that — somehow. But. I get it. You have a car, a house, debts, a job to lose, children, a little turtle you have to take care about. I get it. You still could. Maybe not everything but we all could change our life dramatically.

We don’t do because we are scared. At least I am. You might think I’m not. In the end, I’m doing all the stuff but still I am. Nevertheless, it doesn’t prevent me from doing it. I think we all underestimate how big of a change we all can do in our life. Every moment. That’s really powerful to be aware of.

However, I’m trying to make another point.

OK, I’m not. Maybe I’m just trying to justify my decision. I’m going back. With that, I mean back to Canada. Back to the relationship I still want so bad.

For me, it’s hard to explain why. What about all the reasons because of I left in the first place? They are still there. I can’t argue about them. I don’t want to. Do you think I have no idea what I want? You might be right. I think I know more or less what I want but I have no idea how to get there. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

It’s true I’m much more able to enunciate myself in German than I am in English. Berlin is way better to connect with other like-minded people than some forest in Canada — especially if you talk German. Why I’m leaving then? Because there is much more I’m interested in. Like living a fulfilling life.

One of my New Year’s resolutions for 2016 — we have 2017, I know — was to fail more. This might sound counterintuitive. Why would you like to fail more? Because failure doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Actually, it can be really great. When you are able to learn from it. For me, it was about not playing safe all the time. Since always playing save is a save way to live a boring and often unhappy life. That’s not what I want.

That doesn’t mean I’m making decisions regardless of the consequences and other people it may affect. It just means that I’m trying. I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to make the right decisions. Maybe I’m just a bad decision maker. Maybe not. Who cares.

Anyway, is it the stupidest decision I’ve ever made? I guess we’ll see. When I’m coming back after 4 weeks it might not be the best idea. I don’t think it will happen this way but even then I still learn a lot.

See me fall. See me fail. It’s going to happen.

Eventually, I might get back up.


Originally published at simonmcschubert.com.