what happened so far

Where I am right now is a new beginning. But what’s behind me?

Some month ago I made the decision to go to Canada. Without any expectations how long I would stay. How long I would travel — all over the word.

Why did I want to go traveling? That’s a question you rarely ask. It’s more likely this way: “You want to go traveling? Cool, I loved to go myself.”

Sure I wanted to make new experiences. See different places. But I can’t tell you that it was an inner desire or dream of mine. It wasn’t and it’s still not. More likely a logical decision since I thought a “normal” life would make me happy.

What is it I hopped to find? Honestly, I don’t know. I have the tendency going save, having routines and just doing stuff I already know. Somehow I wanted to counter that.

It can be a scary feeling when you already know what’s going to happen in your life. And even much scarier if you don’t know how to chance it.

Oh yeah, there was another major reason: I met a girl. I fall in love. No panic this isn’t a boring love story…

I went all in.

What can I say? Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. The relationship wasn’t how I wished it to be. Actually, it was worse than that. I still wanted that relationship — that girl — but somehow we weren’t able to connect again. There were many reasons why it came how it came. In the end, it’s not about who’s fault it is. It never is because that doesn’t chance anything.

There I was somewhere in Canada not happy at all.

I felt alone.

Exhausted.

Trapped.

Crushed.

Betrayed.

From life. From myself.

I thought it’ all I wanted but suddenly it turns against me. I felt like I couldn’t be myself. Do what I wanted to do. It felt terrible.

So I did what I thought was the only option. I pulled the emergency brake. Left her even I wanted to be with her. Went back home — to my parents — even I wanted to be away. It was one of my most — if not the most — difficult decisions I had to make so far.

Looking back it was the right choice. Definitely not the only one but the one which still feels right. It allowed me to step back from everything. This way I could reorder myself and rethink what’s really important to me.

When I told people I was back again many were surprised. I totally get that. But what’s interesting many told me they find it kind of brave. They found it brave I went a big step back and did what felt right without thinking about what other people might think.

For me, it felt more like I was running. Running away from everything. I guess you can say it was brave to go even I told everyone I would stay there for a long time. Whatever it is I don’t care. I don’t want to be brave or strong. But I want to be happy. Do what I think is right. I struggle with this. Often I have no idea what’s right or wrong. Most of the time neither is.

It’s not about right or wrong. Who the hell should be able to tell that? It’s about making a decision. Deciding for yourself. In order to bring you a step further. If it was the wrong direction who cares. You still learned. Definitely better that just standing there or floating passively through life.

Am I happy now?

Kind of. I mean I had to free myself. From whatever was holding me back. So I could be myself again and evolve. Over the last weeks, I was able to do so. Now it’s time to tackle life again. And this time … uhh, what? It’s fucking life you can’t be prepared for it.

But I’m ready to live life to it the fullest.


Originally published at simonmcschubert.com.