An Introvert’s Guide to Overcoming the Stress of Networking

To enjoy professional success in DC, you will need to learn the art of networking.

That is how we opened our networking series on the Eagerly DC blog. We’ve walked our readers through the basics on networking, showed them how to network your niche, talk to strangers, and network on the job.

But for some, no matter how much advice they get and strategies they try, networking is always going to be that mandatory thing they know they need to do, but excruciating nonetheless.

If you find yourself in that category, you’re not alone.

Let me tell you about my experience with networking in DC:

It is hard.

It is transactional.

And it takes a lot of time and energy.

The networking events often take place in a crowded and noisy room, usually at a bar during happy-hour. The music is loud, the chatter even louder. I usually can’t hear half of what people are saying.

I don’t consider myself a strong-voiced speaker. Every time I try to speak louder, I need to shout. Usually, by the end of the evening, my throat hurts like hell.

I have an accent. Sometimes, people don’t understand me and I need to repeat myself way too often. For the most part, I feel stupid for not sounding American enough for causal happy-hour standards.

I rarely have a chance to tell people my story because, more often than not, all they care about is what I do and what I can do for them.

We exchange cards. Generally, unless we end up cooperating on a specific project, I never hear from them again. And they don’t hear from me.

Some people, when I’m not interesting enough for them (because they can totally judge that after hearing a few sentences), they look around the room exploring who they can move on to.

I have been guilty of this too. Sometimes I get stuck with a person who just talks. I don’t want to be rude, so I listen — probably way longer than I should. But I secretly hope I can just leave.

For the most part, unless there are people present I already know, I don’t want to be there and want to leave as soon as possible.

Despite all this, I show up and keep trying.

But when I get home, I’m drained, tired, and determined to not to do it again.

I need to recharge in solitude.

Networking is hard for everyone. It’s harder still for introverts. Introverts need to adopt strategies that enable you to network with greater confidence and effectiveness.

Here are a few tips on what to do when networking in its classic sense is not your strong suit:

1. Accept yourself for who you are.

This one is hard. We live in a time when gregariousness and extroversion is glorified, and, in the case of DC, it’s a prerequisite of success. It took me a while to stop feeling guilty for skipping all of those “not-to-be-missed” networking events. I can probably write pages on this very topic, but for starters, all introverts should read “Quiet” by Susan Cain. It will change your life. Key take-away: being an introvert doesn’t make you anti-social. You just prefer to socialize in a different way. Focus on what works for you instead.

2. Set a goal for what you are trying to achieve. Determine who you want to talk to.

Attending networking events in hopes they will “open doors” and “create opportunities” is not going to get you far. Instead, set a goal. Look at the list of attendees and identify two or three people you absolutely want to meet. Prepare a few questions you want to ask. If it goes well, ask if you can follow-up with them with a specific request (i.e. can they make an introduction, can you send them your resume, etc?). Leave when your mission is accomplished (and/or after you’ve had enough of that free food. We know it’s hard to pass on, especially when you are an unpaid intern.)

3. Show up with a trusted friend or colleague.

Bring a partner. Your sidekick should be someone who will give you enough space to talk to other people, but not someone who will expect you to pay attention to them all the time.

I often go to events with my husband Jeff. This works perfectly — in part because he is in the same field. He can participate in all of the conversations I’m having with the people I need to engage. And I can do the same at his events. We respect each other’s goals, don’t get offended when one of us is talking shop all evening, and lean on each other during those awkward moments as we try to figure out how to interrupt the person we want to talk to.

If your significant other is not from your field, don’t take them with you. Chances are they won’t have much fun, will be bored, and you will feel guilty for not spending enough time with them.

4. Show up for the people you already know and are important to your existing network.

I genuinely enjoy going to events when I have an opportunity to catch up with long-time colleagues, many of whom I call friends. Similarly, I gladly show up to say farewell to Embassy staffers who are returning home or welcome new members of the diplomatic corps I know I’ll be working with. I enjoy talking to students or foreigners who ask for advice. I don’t show up to these events with an intention to network, but rather to say hello, show support or be of service to my existing community. More often than not, I get introduced to new people as well.

5. Act like the host. Or be one.

This one is from the playbook of the greats — networking expert Ivan Misner and success coach Jack Canfield. Their advice to overcome networking anxiety is to act like a host. What would you do if you were hosting an event? You’d probably stand by the door, eagerly welcome the guests, and be ready to do a little small talk.

Or better yet, put yourselves in a position when you are an actual host. Volunteer to keep track of the RSVP list, greet people or help show them to their seat, and get involved in organizing events — either in your organizations or other groups around town that convene people in your industry. And then own the room! Trust me, it’s much easier when you have a role and a purpose.

6. Don’t go to networking events.

Surprised? Don’t be. Against all the conventional advice, I don’t think the networking events or happy hours are the best way to build lasting connections. Instead, focus on strengthening the relationship with people in your community, university or on the job. My most important and valuable relationships (that led to new opportunities) are with people who I helped first.

Don’t feel guilty that you are missing out when you skip a networking event.

Instead, figure out how to serve people. Because, ultimately, networking is not an event, it’s about cultivating two-way relationships that last.