Why Online-Dating isn’t Working for You: You Think that Other People Suck
I want to start this post off by saying that the most important thing to keep in mind while navigating yourself not just through the dating world but through life itself is that there are no guarantees.
Even if you do everything right, by the book, and as you are told, shit can go wrong or just not turn out the way you hoped it would. Most of the time its the latter, and all the time its OK.
There have no doubt been instances where you, an online-dater, find a profile containing not only everything you like, dislike, believe in, don’t believe in, but also attached to a pretty face. So you begin to compose a message, expressing an interest in their interests, projecting a really open and friendly tone, end your message with an open-ended question so as to make it more likely for that person to respond, hit send, and then…
Even though they’ve looked at your profile a few times, a week has gone by without a response. Then two weeks. Then a month. Frankly, if you’re actively counting down the days in which you haven’t seen a response then you’re fixating a little too heavily. But why wouldn’t you fixate? You sent a message that wasn’t the least bit sexually aggressive or invasive, that had substance and hit on the mutual points of interest contained in their profile, your pictures range from dynamic to contentedly self-contained to convey both stability and excitement, but yet they never responded back to you.
What did you do wrong?
You didn’t do a single thing wrong.
It just didn’t happen.
I mean, sure, its possible that despite how much you thought that you and the other person seemed to have the potential to click on a significant level, they saw something that indicated the opposite and didn’t think that messaging you back just to humor you was worth it.
But rationality is a poor consolation for enduring the void of loneliness that is ever-expanding in the pit of your stomach and toxifying your outlook on the rest of humanity.
You can’t help but feel disappointed. Hell, you can’t help how you feel in general.
But what you can help is how you choose to act after the fact.
It’s very easy to get bitter and resentful at the online dating system, dating in general, and people when things don’t go our way romantically, especially if its unclear to us what we might’ve done that led to such disappointment. But even if it is clear, we may still write off the reasoning as being based off of an inherent character flaw in the other person, or people of their ilk, in order to justify the behavior that is born out of our negative feelings.
For example, if someone doesn’t respond to your initial message, you might feel compelled to send another one on the off chance that yours got lost in the heap. Women get an abundance of messages anyway, so its likely that yours probably isn’t quite as visible. But then, after no reply again, you send something along the lines of, “I guess you don’t wanna talk, huh?”, or, at the very worst, “well fuck you too then”.
This is horrible for a list of reasons.
Mainly, its pathetic. With as many people as there are on dating sites for you to message, why are you focusing on whether or not this one person responds to you? The time you’re wasting on someone who is making it VERY CLEAR that they are not interested in you could be spent on messaging other people. What this says is that you’re more into what the person represents than who they actually are, which could be quite far removed from the person who you want them to be.
Secondly, this is just emotionally manipulative. You’re making a very obvious attempt at trying to guilt trip someone into paying attention to you, which sets the course for a very volatile relationship should they choose to oblige you. Since you’re already making yourself out to be a terrible person anyway, chances are that if they told you straight up that they don’t want to talk to you, you’d bitch them out for even bothering to say anything in the first place. Or, you’d call them stuck up for not dropping everything to validate a stranger.
And then, you’re going to take this one-sided exchange as proof that people don’t know what they want, if only because they don’t want you personally, and carry that into all of your future interactions, and then wonder in between bursts of rage at complete strangers why no one wants to date you, never realizing the most important thing…
YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST PROBLEM.
If you endure the same failures and disappointments with different types of people over and over again, then its because you’re doing something to contribute to your own sabotage, whether you realize it or not.
Taking a moment of introspection is easier said than done. There are things about ourselves that we’d rather not face or admit to for fear of them distorting our perceptions of ourselves. In the course of acknowledging ourselves, we might find that we’re not as good, talented, smart, attractive, or positive as we think we are.
But in order to come to terms with who we are, we need to come to terms with who everyone else is, too. That person who you messaged that you thought was the best thing ever? They’re not. They don’t stop being human and flawed regardless of how high of a pedestal you put them on. And you need to accept that. There are no living goddesses. In fact, that may be why they didn’t respond to you; you built them up to be something that they weren’t and they felt uncomfortable. Because ultimately, when you begin a relationship with someone thinking that they’re perfect, you set yourself up for disappointment because you aren’t willing to take it when they show the least bit of imperfection. And when someone does or says something that contradicts the image of themselves that we’ve constructed in our heads, the results can be catastrophic.
You can’t accept yourself if you can’t accept other people, and you can’t accept other people if you can’t accept yourself.
If you’re upset and disappointed that something awesome that you thought was going to happen didn’t, that's OK. Cry about it if you need to when you’re alone and in a safe place, but treat it as a normal part of life as oppose to the cosmos actively conspiring against you or else you’ll never get over it.
Because, really, you’re not that special. It takes a lot to admit that not only are you not the second coming of Christ, but you aren’t even the Kleenex or the tube sock. Or the dish rag. Or the shirt that you thought you could wear just one more time but literally decided, “fuck it”. Or the towel that you were eating chow mein off of because you didn’t wanna get crumbs in the bed but still woke up with bug bites anyway.
You ain’t shit.
But thats OK. Shit belongs in the toilet, anyway.