Pharmacy Is Not My Entire Life, I will be inspired.
It’s easy for Asian people to focus on schoolwork, academics, being “successful” in life, and neglecting everything else that possesses such deep meaning. Meaning is to be discovered in all capacities of life.
These days I find myself glaring at the computer screen, busy trying to remember the doses for all the indications of each medication, while trying to remember all the important drug interactions, side effects, special dosing requirements for the patients, what formulations and doses we have of each drug, so that eventually, this will all be second nature for me.
It’s sad because a part of me doesn’t believe it. If I don’t get a residency, I don’t think I could be up to that level. At the same time, I’m so tired of looking at this screen that has less definition than the real world. I’m also tired of using the more professional wordage for things. I keep things simple, probably to the high school or even elementary level. I like using the basic functions of words. I want things to be this simple: to walk and to follow and to not worry.
When I was a kid, I would talk to myself a lot. I’d walk to school a lot, have a crazy imagination, and laugh at all the ideas I had and all the goofy thoughts I had that weren’t real. I’d pretty much just go to school, say the sweetest and nicest things to people because that was who I was. If you read my yearbook, people were somewhat sad or just desiring to have more of a relationship with me and they always mentioned how I was really sweet. And I was because all I’d ever want to do was boost people’s energy and see the beauty in everything. I was good at that: seeing the better side of people and just redirecting them. I’d asked God to give me certain gifts and I used them and gained them. I’d also gained the consistency in studying everything I wanted. I took 7-8 school subjects in high school every semester at a more advanced level than most people. The first two years were pre-collegiate and by junior and senior year I’d already been learning at so much depth if I kept it up my entire life I probably would’ve been a genius. If I hadn’t given up my life for certain things, then I probably would’ve had the life I wanted and worked for. By no means would I ever call myself a genius, but I was interested in almost everything — from arts, music to sports to history, english, culture, languages to math and science (which I was never the best at, but I was always curious about — no wonder pharmacy is such a struggle). I probably would’ve been more using in any other subject, but everything that I saw at this point was related to science that were more useful to helping others. I see now that it’s not true, we all have our place, and we all have gifts Jesus gave us. At this point in my life, I actually think I haven’t used that gift. When I was a child, I believed I was so good at science and part of me probably knew I wasn’t: I was better at other things that I didn’t pursue because it wasn’t logical. When I really think about it, those things make more sense. I know all these things can be used even if I will always have some form of PTSD. Maybe certain things will always be the same, but I know I can grow still. I know that who I am is beyond my own understanding and that at the same time, I do have a deep understanding of myself that sometimes I don’t think I can even explain it in words. If I could draw, I would be better at expressing. I do see things with pictures and with such abstract. My life in high school inspires me to believe that I can think at a faster speed and think about crossing these subjects to produce something original in thought; the way I used to. I want to find inspiration in my life again, in my faith again, in the way thing were done that need to be modeled again.
There’s a lot of things that inspire me. Some of these are in pharmacy. How I could potentially affect a person’s life by listening to them, teaching them about the medications they are using, making their life easier, and perhaps quite possibly saving a life if I am in the cancer or infectious disease world. Being a mom inspires me to be a better teacher, to have more discipline for all of us, and to be fun (instead of being serious) — more than what has been. Stories of truth from history also inspire me — especially from the Orthodox faith and the stories I’ve heard from those closest to me. What really inspires me is Jesus. I miss being close to Him. It’s incredibly annoying when there’s always something to do. What if I spend 60% of time alone with Jesus? It still wouldn’t be enough. I remember the days when I’d have like 15% of quality time with Jesus alone and then 60–70% of time with Jesus and His people. I’d also have time to just take breaks and enjoy life during those times, but I’d also have 15–25% of time just to cook and do errands. If life could be like that once again, I’d be felicitous. :)
Felicitious to Jesus is what I want right now. That is my short prayer.
