Seeing People For Who They Are

Andrew Soep
Aug 29, 2017 · 5 min read

I just had a revelation. It’s honestly nothing new, and to be honest, I’m not sure if you can have any kind of revelation without some sort of foundational structure in the first place. But as with many of my revelations, it occurred in the bathroom.

I’ve spent the past 3 months traveling around Europe alone. I’ve met people from all corners of the world — Brazil, Argentina, China, Taiwan, India, no one from Africa… which is a discussion for another time — and it’s been a bit trying for me at times. I was actually walking through the streets of Ljubjlana today thinking about this very issue (see, foundation) and wondering why it is that I crave connection so regularly, and yet I often struggle to find people who I truly want to connect with. How is that possible? There are people everywhere.

I often connect with people based on a feeling. I’ve noticed, in my travels, that I tend to be the archetype (stemming from a classification I invented) where I tend to be a bit closed to others until I have a reason to be open to them, as opposed to open to others until I have a reason to be closed. I don’t like this reaction, and I’m not sure where it originated, but my guess is it’s either a defense mechanism, or it was seeded from being a judgmental person. Wait, what? Judgmental? No. Not possible. Hate to break it to you, kids, but it’s true. I have also come to the realization that I tend to judge others as well.

I tend to like real world examples, so let’s use one. I stayed at a hostel recently in Zagreb, Croatia. It was a lovely hostel, filled with people who were traveling, enjoying life, and not there to just get smashed until 7 AM, 6 days a week. Idillic, right? The head of the hostel was great, the employees there were great, many of the guests were great. One guest stood out. Right off the bat, she rubbed me the wrong way. She came in one night wheeling a bicycle, and just began going on and on and on to anyone who would listen, about how she had gotten lost, and her phone almost died, and she was worried she wouldn’t be able to get back to the hostel, and she’d have to sleep on the streets, etc. etc. etc. She was loud, bombastic, and seemingly seeking attention. I left soon after her arrival to get some sleep, but upon waking the next morning, I went downstairs to the court yard to encounter her once again… telling everyone about how she got lost, and how she almost didn’t make it back to the hostel, and how crazy it was, and how all her guy friends are 6'1, and on and on and on. I could feel myself retreating into myself, my emotional skin shriveling like a raisin. I could barely stomach looking at her, let alone indulging her. It didn’t feel good, but I felt like there was nothing I could do.

But here’s the kicker that really threw me. No one else around me seemed to care. They were all listening intently, smiling, laughing, engaging with her. I didn’t get it. Why was I so viscerally effected by this person, but everyone else seemed to be able to endure? I should caveat and say, I don’t know if she rubbed anyone else the wrong way, I’m just going off what I observed to draw this conclusion. I didn’t want to go around asking people what they thought of her, as that might poison the well of the hostel social dynamic. But even if they didn’t like her, they sure did a good job of making it seem like they did (acting, inauthenticity, being a nice person?).

To return to today, after my walk around the city, I returned to where I’m staying for a bit of R&R before going out again. I hopped on Facebook to see what was going on in the world, and reached out to a friend about an idea I had for a dinner celebration. It didn’t seem like it would work for him, but to my pleasant surprise, I was informed he would be visiting right after I return from Europe, and we made plans to have dinner. Another story for another time, but this will be the first time that he and I would be meeting after knowing each other for 20 years. My first, and over arching reaction was, “This is awesome, I’m really excited”. But as I started to process a bit more, I had a pang of worry. What if I didn’t like him? What if he was too much for me in person? What if he’s too high energy and I get exhausted?

That’s when it hit me. Why don’t I just accept him for who he is, as opposed to who I want him to be?

It’s a novel concept, no? At it’s core, at it’s most basic level, accepting another person for who they are, would resolve most conflict in the world. But is it that easy? Are you meant to get along with everyone? From my own personal observation, I get the sense that some people get along with pretty much everyone they meet. It’s easy, it’s fluid, it’s conflict free. Perhaps they never become best friends, but it never gets to the point of a spat. For others, it seems that regular head butting occurs, and friction is abound.

This touches on a much bigger issue, and as is a theme with this post, might be better for another time. But it begs the question, are the feelings that arise in response to surrounding stimulus fixed, or do we have control? And if we have control, (which I believe we do), should we even bother controlling or changing the responses that arise for us? Or is there a lesson in those responses, and as the lesson begins to manifest, does the response begin to change?

Without going down a winding rabbit hole, my gut instinct is the following. If we have a choice in life, (which I think we do), then is it not better to accept others for who they are, instead of either reacting to who they are not, or trying to change them to who we want them to be? I mean the biggest issue, and a generally overused cliche is, you can’t get another person to change unless they want to. That’s a well known fact. But beyond that, imagine the energy expended, the stress generated, and the opportunities lost, by driving a wedge between you and another person? It seems like a net loss for you, and potentially for the other person as well.

So the question I need to figure out now, since I’ve settled upon acceptance, is how?

)
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade