I created my twitter account back in 2012. When I started approaching esports as a potentially viable career, I knew that I needed to be informed about everything happening in the space. I created @SkimGaming solely for the purpose of following esports related things and I chose the name “-Gaming” because I knew I would branch out of Dota at some point. Also Skim was taken, screw you @Skim.
Throughout my esports career, I’d argue my Twitter account has been my greatest asset. A lot of people I consider friends and acquaintances are people who I’ve met through twitter. I’ve forged strong connections throughout the entire space solely because I tweet about Dota, or at the very least I’ve laid out the foundation for it, in addition to my work.
I consider being aware of the latest esports news as my job. It’s not really been part of my job description for a while now, but I don’t think I could function at the level I am at now without it. And herein lies the problem.
For 6 years now, I’ve adapted to a lifestyle that isn’t healthy. I don’t have anyone but myself to blame. Not being the first to know about certain things put me at a disadvantage as a newswriter and its a trait I’ve kept since. I cannot turn off my connection to the Internet, let alone to the esports world. It has become an addiction, an addiction I’m not fond of.
I’ve tried turning it off, but even when I’m out partying with friends, even when I’m celebrating birthdays or enjoying a night of poker, I always have my phone with me to check. It’s gotten so far that I’ve written articles on my phone and done a lot of work at friends’ places.
Last year was when I really realized what was happening to me. I decided to take a vacation for my birthday. It was a short 4 day trip with a lot of warm weather and sunny beaches. I promised myself to not be connected to the outside world. I brought books with me (on my iPad anyway) and left my laptop at home. My vacation lasted for about half a day.
I couldn’t bear the thought of not being connected to the esports sphere, but it has been a long time since that was the driving factor. Working with Dotabuff I didn’t need to know about esports industry news, nor what roster changes happened at what time. But I couldn’t not know, even if it wasn’t my job.
I’ve let something consume my life, at a great cost.
In 2012, when I began my esports career, I had just finished high school and was about to enter university. It was a difficult transition, as everyone I knew had set plans for their future whereas I didn’t know much at all. In fact the only thing I knew was that I didn’t want to be at university.
I was lucky enough to attend the same university as many former classmates and even my best friend. I haven’t seen her in 5 years.
Esports & Dota 2 were my escape. My escape from a life I didn’t want to lead. Away from home for the first time and without most of my friends I didn’t know what to do. Going to university felt like starting over, but I wasn’t ready to start over. I was popular in high school. I considered most of my classmates friends or at the very least good acquaintances, the type that would invite each other to birthdays and regularly talk at school.
Starting over felt like figuring out what person I was and I wasn’t ready to ask myself that question. I didn’t want to ask myself the question of where I wanted to go either, so esports & Dota 2 seemed like a great escape. It was a beautiful “in the moment” rush. Flying out to DreamHack Winter 2012 was one of the most exciting things I had done up until that point.
I met knew people, people that I had met online before, so I didn’t have to re-introduce myself. Talking online has always been easier for me, so the baseline was set.
In 2013 I quit university. I had spent a semester cooped up in my apartment, trying my best to become better at Dota and potentially do casting (which is why I initially began esports). I hadn’t interacted with a real person in a long time and I didn’t make any money, meaning my parents paid for me dicking around. I decided to officially call it quits after I failed an exam I hadn’t studied for (to be fair I would’ve passed if I had gotten one more question right. I didn’t get it right because I didn’t read it properly but I knew the answer. I handed it in within 15mins).
My parents were upset with me, but I told them I wanted to do something else. I looked for work and eventually found an internship with a tv production company.
It was great. I was forced to do human interaction and I once again felt great. People accepted me, I made lots of friends and I quickly was asked to stay on for longer. Unfortunately the work wasn’t fulfilling and I started to despise tv and media, the very thing I used to love.
I quit and spent all the money I earned on a trip to TI4. I knew esports was still where my heart was, or at the very least where I thought I could work with a true passion. That trip was…. something. I do think it was valuable, without it I probably would’ve never rejoined GosuGamers. But as I explained in a previous post, I don’t think I made use of all the networking opportunities.
Once again my life had been dedicated to esports and I moved to an apartment in Cologne. Once again though, I stayed shut inside and made sure to spend every waking hour to learn Dota and to work for GosuGamers, despite a very low salary that could barely afford me rent. I wanted to continue improving my understanding of the game and the industry, so I felt all the time was worth the investment. It wasn’t.
All the friends I had made during my internship, I haven’t seen them since and have stopped talking to them a long time ago. I never put in any effort into meeting them and one of them actually still has one of my hard drives. Oh well.
Over the years, it has become an inconvenience for me to spend time with non-esports related friends. I say non-esports related, because esports related friends I usually meet at events.
Whenever friends ask me out, I need to consider a variety of things and most of the time I consider it too much of a hassle. I count the hours and minutes I would spend travelling to people and how I would miss certain things. I don’t want to burden others with my work, I don’t want to seem like I’m slacking off.
Esports and the Internet have long become my addiction, a very unhealthy one (and I haven’t even talked about how I’ve neglected my weight & actual physical health, let alone my ever growing anxiety and depression). I’ve had a major burn out in 2014 where I wanted to really call it quits, where I couldn’t stand the idea of Dota and esports any longer.
You could argue the solution would be very simple: Just take a few days off every now and then and go do stuff outside of esports. Unfortunately, I legitimately don’t know how to and what to do.
Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a depressing note. I geniunely love esports and dota and the people in this community, most of them anyway. For all the bad things I may associate my past 6 years with, there are many more positive things that outweigh them. I’ve learned so much and met so many fantastic people. But it’s taken its toll and I know it has on other people as well. Don’t let it happen to you. Take time for yourself, for your friends and for your family. Let esports be esports, it won’t run away.
Now if only I could listen to myself.
