Timeout — Time Out for Them and You!

Cooperation is not always high on a toddler’s to-do list. As Nicholas melts down amid the pots and pans while you’re trying desperately to finish preparing supper, you wish you could throw yourself on the floor and howl to the heavens, too. However, you know that you can’t. Nicholas can’t either, and he needs to learn that the same repeated wrongs will never make a right. Timeout can be an effective strategy. Just don’t let Nicholas out-timeout you!

1. Keep It Short

All you’re really looking for is enough time to stop whatever inappropriate activity Abby’s engaging in and get her back on track. If she’s screaming, she needs to learn to calm herself. If she’s hitting a younger sibling, she needs to stop and reboot. Most times, 1 minute per year in age can be a good rule. Make it longer, and you may have trouble keeping her in timeout. Above all, use a timer — on your smartphone, the stove, or any clock with a second hand. For a 3-year-old, 3 minutes is an eternity.

2. Make It Convenient for You, Uncomfortable for Them

Timeout needs to happen wherever you are. Identify several less-than-comfortable spots that are safe and where Zach will be in your direct view — and able to see everything he’s missing out on, too. Outside, use a set of porch steps — not comfy lawn furniture; he can sit on the bottom step for a few minutes. Put a simple kitchen straight chair in the middle of the room, and let him spend a few minutes on it sans the padded seat. Keep it simple because timeout must happen immediately, and it should not be mistaken for a reward.

3. Choose Your Timeouts Carefully

Overused tactics lose their effectiveness. You don’t want to make Avery sit for longer and longer periods of time. It will ramp up frustration for both of you and only make the situation worse. Not every infraction or difference of opinion is worth a timeout. When everything is forbidden, nothing is, and children don’t learn to distinguish between what is really important and what is minor. Save timeout for when Avery needs to be removed from a situation before it escalates.

4. Make It Boring

If Julie need a timeout, chances are, she’s overstimulated, overtired or hungry, but she needs time to calm herself and realize it. If the TV or radio is still playing — even in a distant room — or if she has access to electronics, a toy or books, timeout is no longer boring. Too, if she has a temper, having something that she can throw at you, attempt to destroy, or slam or bang against the timeout chair will defeat the purpose of a calming timeout. If she tries to engage you in arguing or conversation, tell her you can’t help her while she’s in timeout.

5. Take No Prisoners and No Negotiations

If Sam needs to do 4 minutes in timeout, he needs to spend that time thinking about what he did to land himself there and how he can fix it, not wheedling you for an early release. Let him off of that chair 30 seconds too soon, and you’ll be teaching him how to manipulate the system. He can say he’s sorry, but he still needs to do the 4 minutes. Think of timeout as “out of time,” as in suspended or removed from the present for a few minutes. In school, the teacher won’t allow misbehavior in exchange for an “I love you” note, so be careful if he tries a verbal one on you.

6. Forgive and Leave It Behind You

Once Cassie’s served her timeout, give her responsibility for her behavior. Tell her she can rejoin you when she feels like she’s back in control, and accept her without reservation when she does. You might want to talk about what she could do better next time. If she was defying you, ask her to explain, and teach her how to negotiate for what she wants. If she hurt another child, put responsibility on her to decide how she should make amends. Many times, the perfect “punishment” may be to give Cassie responsibility to fix or undo whatever she did.

Timeout

Timeout used effectively and compassionately can nurture life skills in self-control, reasoning, and handling conflict. It teaches children not only that you mean what you say when you set 3 minutes on the timer but also that you keep your promises when the 3 minutes are over. Used with mutual respect, timeout also gives everyone time to regroup. Just don’t be surprised when you hear Justin say, “Maybe you need a timeout, Dad.”