The Pure Thirst Guide to Euro 2016's Hotties: 53 Soccer Gods Competing For Your Loins
30 days. 51 matches. 24 nations. 552 well-sculpted stamina freaks.
For the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, I wrote up this handy guide of fit-as-fuck footballers for thirstiest corners of the internet. Since Euro 2016 is just as thrilling and entertainment, packed with history, and throbbing with great soccer and top-drawer faces, bodies and butts, let’s run it back. Below are 53 of the hottest men competing for your thirst.
There will be, as there always is, Great Narrative abound at the 2016 UEFA European Championship, which kicks off today in France. There are miracle underdogs, like Iceland, a country with a population the size of Corpus Christi taking on the hair-gelled giants of Portugal; the English play the Welsh, with sheepfucking jokes surely to come; whether host France wins again on home soil or whether they’re mercilessly zut alors’d by disgusted fans; is the panic on for two-time defending champion Spain, who just sent their #1 goalkeeper home in scandal; and why does the official Euro 2016 mascot share a name with a sex toy?
But forget the column inches that will be written. Let’s focus on some other inches. (Or does this work better with a balls joke?) There are blondes, brunettes, jocks, twinks, dads, literal dads, otters, all types. There’s something for everyone, shit, I don’t know what you’re into, just scroll through and enjoy. Click any player’s name for a direct link to their Instagram, ‘cuz I’m servicey like that.
Remember, this is Europe only, so don’t come crying to me if you can’t find your favorite Americans, Africans, South Americans and Aussies.
On with the show. Objectify me, daddy.
Antoine Griezmann — France
(FYI, Anto’s mine, you can have the rest. My @Slade DMs are open if you wanna fight about it.)
Marc Bartra — Spain
Graziano Pelle — Italy
Olivier Giroud — France
Jan Vertonghen — Belgium
Eden Hazard — Belgium
Lorik Cana — Albania
Morgan Schneiderlin — France
Leonardo Bonucci — Italy
Adil Rami — France
Nicolae Stanciu — Romania
Jimmy Durmaz — Sweden
Eric Dier — England
Yannick Ferreira-Carrasco — Belgium
Raheem Sterling — England
Fabian Schär — Switzerland
Andre Gomes — Portugal
Adam Lallana — England
Ondrej Duda — Slovakia
Paddy McNair — N. Ireland
Aaron Ramsey — Wales
Pavel Kadeřábek — Czech Republic
Gerard Pique — Spain
Moussa Sissoko — France
Sergio Ramos — Spain
Elseid Hysaj — Albania
Mariusz Stepinski — Poland
Granit Xhaka — Switzerland
Matteo Darmian — Italy
Ashley Williams — Wales
Joe Ledley — Wales
Hal Robson-Kanu — Wales
Manuel Neuer — Germany
Shani Tarashaj — Switzerland
Bartosz Kapustka — Poland
Nuri Şahin — Turkey
Thomas Vermaelen — Belgium
Viktor Kovalenko — Ukraine
Mattia De Sciglio — Italy
Shane Long — Ireland
John Guidetti — Sweden
Cesc Fabregas — Spain
Eidur Gudjohnsen — Iceland
Rui Patricio — Portugal
Happy hunting. The Euro 2016 tournament kicks off today at 3 ET and runs for the next month. May these men bring you as much joy as Mario Gotze gets from hanging with models on yachts:
