2015:036 The Winter 2016 Goggle Review, or Cutting Edge Wrecknology

Consider this your 2016 goggles review. I’ve tested 5,000 pairs of goggles over the past several days and judged them all. It’s easy to overthink it, but there are really only two factors when it comes to a great pair of goggles. A lot of know-nots try on a few pairs, asking themselves “Do these fit my face? Is the field of vision wide enough to not impede my riding? How easy is it to change the lenses? Can I get a hook up on these?” But most people never consider the freshness factor of their goggles, or how technologically advanced they are.

Frankly, those are the only 2 criteria by which I judged the over 10,000 goggles I’ve tested. So without further ado here are your 2016 goggles of the year.

The Freshest

Trust me, when you’re blasting through pillows or blowing vape clouds until that gondola looks like SF in June, you’re going want to be freshed to the nines. And, as usual you need to look no further than those fresh-makers over at Supreme.

These guys have been turning simps into pimps since the get go, and they did it again right now. You remember when you were just a greasy chump, then tossed on the boxed logo and suddenly had like five hundred people thinking knowing you were the freshest. Sheeeeit. Now you can bring that kind of flash to the slopes.

And you since this is a Supreme collabo, you can trust the quality is top notch. When was the last time you considered Smith to be anything less than just another eyewear maker? That’s the reputation Supreme is building on. They must have been aching to work with Smith’s dual lens, molded face foam and woven strap. AND YOU KNOW THESE GOGGS IS OH TEE GEE, FOR ALL THOSE 4-EYERS OUT THERE. Plus, Smith works with only the best of the best.

These goggles are best suited for:

  • People riding Morrow, Lamar, Tech Nine or Arbor boards
  • C-suite creatives at Burton
  • Looking like an asshole
  • Catching Syphilis
  • Measuring your self-worth against your self-hate.

Burn your hand on the fire of these lenses now at Supreme (duh). If you want a different colorway for your Chevy Sonic eyewear, check out the rest of the netz because Smith doesn’t even list this model on their site.

The most technologically advanced

Fuck. I never thought I would see so much technology in goggles that look so good. Those white frames? They go with anything. Even shitty Colombia Bugaboo jackets. Does Columbia still give their jackets names like that, then embroider that shit on the poofed collar?

But let’s talk about the technology here. These MFers are going to make any day on the snow more enjoyable. Other archaic goggles can’t even come close to the technology of these O4S goggles. But don’t be intimidated by these goggles becuase they come with instructions, which raises the question “When WAS the last time I received instructions with snow goggles?”

Dang. I think the answer is never. I mean sometimes I’ll get a sticker, but never an instruction book. I always assumed goggles were like glasses — put them on and look through them. Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?

I’m so glad there is so much technology in these goggles.

From this diagram you can also see the way the goggles block UVA and UVB lights. Two of the best known lights to block. Plus they look really good doing it.

Now, you might be wondering why you should trust my opinion on these goggles. First off, I know technology when I see it. And, they come with a case you can attach to your belt. Do other molded goggles cases strap to your belt for easier care AND CARRYING? Finally The technology of these goggles is not archaic, it’s unique.

But for real, you won’t find anything like these goggles, even at the world’s best known ski resorts. And the company Orion 4 Sight has a long history of changing the world through eyewear. Check out how well their Kickstarter for sunniegeess went last year.

These goggles are best suited for:

  • Anyone who wears a flack jacket on the Reginald
  • Chumps
  • People who love technology
  • People riding Kessler or Donek boardercross rigs

Honestly, they can’t be shittier than those Supremes.

Die Heavy

Originally published at slashintercept.com on November 12, 2015.