The awful year of 2017
I lost a big love, i can say i lost the love of my life.
How ? I’m not even sure. I found her, somewhere in this world the same way you found the best things on life, without looking for it. I couldn’t make it work. I made the same mistakes i did before again and again. I loved her with all my heart and soul, i still love her and i think i will always care about her.
People think love is easy, probably is it, but when your worst enemy is your own mind things become complicated. I don’t remember a lot about my childhood, I have some flashbacks but I’m completely sure that at 4 years old i already wanted to be someone else and i keep growing up asking myself why i couldn’t have the life of my classmates the life of my friends, why i needed to live this shitty life, so, someday i asked someone and she just tell me: this is the life you had to live. My mind has played mind games with me since then… I couldn’t stop it, we became two in one body, i’m not saying i have some MPD or something, no, i mean my mind is divided and i can’t make it get agree.
People look at you and they just see what they want to see, somewhere i read if you have family, friends, a house and food then you are richer than you think. Maybe it’s true, i’ve had that but still i feel empty, i’ve always paid a price to have it. Happiness is ephemeral. I was happy with her, i felt so good i just couldn’t believe it. Again my mind start to play mind games with me and I couldn’t stay “normal” i couldn’t stay sane anymore. She left me of course, she couldn’t hadle it anymore, i don’t blame her, it took me so long to forgive me about losing her but i did, in some way, then i left my life to move on and start a new life, in the other side of the world, new people, new me, that’s what i said to myself all the time.
I found a good women who loves me, the way i am, she accepted me, we can have good times and when she’s around my pain can disappear but I’m not in love with her, i thought i was, damn i swear i thought it was love, I mean I care a lot about her, i do, i love her but i’m not in love, i wasn’t unhappy, i was normal, living day by day the same way but it was ok because i had no pain, no worries. My pain was gone i’ve never felt crazy in love but I didn’t know this peace before, just have someone to come every night no fights, no drama, no pain. So I decided to live my life with her, because, any spark is better than some pain, isn’t it ?
But life slaps me again because that’s life ! When you are in your best time then life needs to get you back to reality and it took away my short happiness and yes, she wrote me, after one year, ONE YEAR.
The rest is history, lies a lot of lies, pain, heartbroken, misery, solitude, nostalgia, tears, a lot of tears, a lot of “why”, a lot of why now, why i did it, why i didn’t wait some more, why this is happening to me, why. I lost sleep again as a year ago, i woke up every night, i was worried, i was in pain but at the same time i saw my happiness just there, in face to me, waiting for me, only problem ? It was too late for me. I went to destroy what i loved the most and i succeded.
I left her in a train station heartbroken and mine just there with her, because the little part of love I still had it refuse to follow me after realized the awful act i just did and decided to die right after she told me: I hope you have an awful life. Even if i knew i deserved that words i couldn’t believe she could wish me that.
What do you think it happened right after ? I start to live a nightmare the worst month of my life, i lost everything and i hurt two amazing person by making bad choices.
She hates me and she called me twice to be sure I was paying my karma and to let me know she moved on and she’s seeing someone else, i can’t blame her, i hope she will be happy, i just have good vibes for her. Altought the last words i remember from her are: i don’t want to touch anything you touched before. The chapter is closed, i know as i know dogs cant fly i will never ever know anything about her.
My life companion ? I’ve seen her once on the last month, at my mother’s birthday. She realised there was someone else when she found me at home one night completely heartbroken, i couldn’t hide it anymore and she decides to left, although we have been separated for one month and a half already.
Life gives you what you deserve.
Don’t hurt people… i learn it by the hardest pain i could ever do to myself.

