I used to be romantic, now im just a cynic

The parties, the bars, the traveling, the long shifts behind the bar, the tinder, the randomness, and the ease for a guy with a bit of a passion- to be able to wake up in some girl’s bed.

I remember the moment we glanced at each other, that moment I knew I will fall in love with her. We were both at that time serving our mandatory military service, and we accidentally met when she needed to use one of the offices in my base. She had beautiful green-blue eyes, and a smile that would capture every man in a heart beat.

She was my first real love, we used to sit on the edge of my window having a couple of cigarettes and talk for hours about everything, politics, love, family, religion, the meaning of life, tell some dark humor jokes, and sometimes just sit and stare at the street across my room while looking at the cars driving in the middle of the night. We used to go to the movies, eat in restaurants, go to parties together and sit in cafes, and even though she absolutely hated these romantic gestures, she couldn’t hide her smile when I surprised her with a flower that I picked or bought that day, or at that time I made her a journal filled with all the tickets and photos of the dates we had with “my side of the story”, just so I could see it, that smile, it used to worth the world for me.

We were a year and a half together, not long, but long enough for a 20 years old who before that, didn’t have a lot of sexual experience with girls. I finished my service, and wanted to travel the world, she wanted to extend her time in the military, so we separated.

I went for a couple of months to volunteer in a summer camp in the US, and after that flew to Berlin to work and save for my South America travels. So began my slut phase. It started slowly, still in Israel with a random hook up here- a friend with benefits there, some occasional tinder dates, and went to picking up girls at the bar I worked at, and continued to the craziness of South America, where in every other week I was in a bed of a different women at some random backpackers hostel. It was fun… to be honest it was AMAZING. I felt like Im making up for the time I used to be a chubby boy with long hair that looked like a girl, and was only “the friend”, it felt like I can take over the world!

But even during that phase, every woman I encountered and had some sort of a relationship with, or even the one night stands, I always in my mind pictured- how it can work out for something more serious, because who doesn’t love a good romantic story- a boy meets a girl in the middle of nowhere, they fall in love, get married and live happily ever after?

After my travels, I moved to where I live now- Germany, in the journey to start Med school, and realised that I long for stability, so I started dating an older woman, it wasn’t my first time in a relationship with an older women, and I found something very “easy going” with it , maybe its the maturity aspect, or maybe its the broad sense of experience that they bring with and can match mine. However, I could never really full-fill her expectations, at the end I was a 24 years old who didn’t even start his studies.

Nowadays, im still searching for the one, but is it possible? Women my age or younger (and im sorry for generalising), are having conversation with me about “likes” on Instagram, or what ever is trending now, half the conversation is through Imojis and the flirt is the same flirt, the laugh is the same laugh, and the sex is the same sex, and its getting boring, mundane and totally not exciting anymore.

Where did the innocence go? nowadays everything is at your fingertip, you want a date? go to Tinder, you don’t want? swipe right. You are getting bored from someone you were dating? don’t worry about the awkward conversation, just shorten your texts until he\she will figure it out by themselves, but who cares?! you are already on your next date! The volume and speed of the “market” is so big you cant stop and take a breath!

So now im just sitting here on the edge of my window looking at the view, waiting for the girl that would join me for a conversation about the meaning of life. It will also be nice if she could smile at me, when i’ll bring her a flower.

Maybe im not that cynic after all?

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