A Notebook Entries 27/8/15 — My Friend’s Grandmother’s Funeral

I had always done things for myself previously, but without purpose or focused intent. Leading with full color solely to live might possibly be a dangerous way to be living. Leading first with question, explore, curate, love, fight, cry, connect, and see. Maybe even see too much, and see it alone. And the colorful full but lonely journey, I finally saw, in my past year of rebirth.

Today I find myself at a funeral for one of my close friend’s grandmother. Gathering with strangers to grieve and to feel connected to people again. It took completely islanding myself to come back to myself and with people again.

My late friend Dan wrote in his journal while on Everest, which wound up being his final physical place, that he “Chose to be different so that we can all remember we are here for the same reason — to have fun.”

I’m grieving my old self. My sadness is rooted in duty to become who I will be an can be and will become. 
I am no longer a girl. I am mindful, spiritual, physical woman full of choice, focus, and doing.

The most beautiful thing that we have on this Earth besides progress is family. 
I have not been thinking or praying perhaps for forever.

The power of togetherness is too great for me. 
My mind is trembling with mourning. My eyes and vision blurred by tears. I am overwhelmed by healing surrounded by these people around me truly moving forward and feeling life’s shifts. 
My mother is not strong. 
My mother gave up. 
She gave up on her strength and learned dependence, and stopped, frankly, living. I grew up with that, I nurtured that, I cared for that, I supported that women, even before myself.
I’ve been chasing having a family. Feeling warmth, acceptance. I’ve tried to find this is the relationships I’ve gotten in but it is in myself.
Never be too proud.

Roozha Fekre Mahn En Ast Va Hameye Shab Sokhanam — Rumi
In daytime I think and meditate at night 
That why I am in darkness, why void of light? 
Where from have I come and why have I come? 
Where shall I go?

O show me my kingdom! 
I’m much puzzled of the Omnipotent, 
Why did he create me? 
What was his intent? 
Yet I am sure that my soul is from heaven, I want to return where my souls is given; 
I’m bird of paradise, not from the earth, 
She lent me my body for a short birth. 
Blessed is the day when I shall wing my flight 
To join my beloved, the eternal light. 
Who listens to me and my prayers hears? 
Who puts words in my mouth and for me cares? 
Who is in the eye that looks outside the head 
Won’t you say for what body my shirt was made? If you won’t show the path towards my lasting home, 
Feed me the wine of union so in the eternal jail 
I will shriek a drunkard’s loud shriek and wail; 
Willingly I didn’t come nor can I leave, 
He who brought me will lead to my soil native; 
He who brought me will take me to my blessed kingdom; 
Deem not that in vain I prate my verse to me, 
Or when alert shan’t breath a moment in reverie; 
Sun of Tabriz, should you show your bright face.