Life Happens?

Other people’s lives are happening. My life? I don't have much life though. It has been three years after I finished my MBA, I’m still living in the same apartment doing nothing. I mean, literally nothing.

The last time I had sex was a year ago, since then I have gained 20 pounds. I started to believed in there is no chance to me to do anything or meet anyone in Los Angeles under my current condition. The reason I am not moving out only because I have no reason/motivation/opportunity to move to anywhere else. There is just nothing happening in my life.

I am living in the heart of Los Angeles — — Downtown. Sometime I just walked to Staple Center, sat in Nokia Plaza, and read a book. My ex-boyfriend might call me time by time, he is the actually only person I have conversation with in U.S.A. By conversation, I mean, he talks about his problem, I make some jokes, and done. I believed that he doesn't know me at all, doesn’t know my character, my habit, my preferences, and my thoughts. But those are all okay, I need someone I can trust, but not that rely on to share my life with, I mean the surface or my life.

Another thing I do when I went there, I watch people. Normally women, in high heels, nice dresses. I always wonder what kinds of lives they are having; Are they in pain in those heels, I bet they want to kill themselves just because in those heels every minutes, but they still dressed up and come out to have fun, enjoy moments, and make life happen, which I adore.

That is what I don’t have. For instance, people have this routine thing everyday life, it could be hard, tired, frustrated, or exhausted, even overwhelming, but when it is everyday, people can just take it once a step, make things happen. I always wonder, what if I became a mother, can I set up a good model for my kids? What if I got sick, can I be positive, and tough go through the painful process? I always doubt, since I even couldn't run my daily life well.