I AM. Conscious
Two days prior to leaving Fiona’s, led by my intuitive guide, I had a look at flights to Mexico.
To my satisfaction, I found an affirming priced one-way ticket to Ciudad de Mexico (CDMX), en inglés Mexico City (DFMX).
I bought it.
At this point, the usual uneasy feeling of pending disaster didn’t show itself. I figured I was at the point of relaxing into this self-imposed uncertainty; the intentional unplanning of my every move.
It seemed to work well for me and my peace of mind, heart, soul and pocket.
Given the success of connecting with Fiona on Couchsurfing, I gave searching there another go. I sent a few requests to various women.
One day later, I open my inbox to discover a “maybe” response from a woman describing herself as a journalist. I respond; thanking her for consideration, following by stating I was looking forward to hearing from her either way.
I left Fiona’s headed for LAX several hours before I was scheduled to take flight. Reason being, because although I am electing to not plan heavily, my nature is to arrive ahead of schedule.
Plus, I live life actively avoiding any possible stress, that can arise in life. My travels are no different, in that any detour needed while in transit, can can be buffered by the additional time.
I get to the airport with a few hours to spare.
I settle into a somewhat comfy chair on offer at LAX, connect my gadgets and continue with my online tasks, including looking for hosts to ‘surf’.
The odd thing about this brand of resignation, allowing life to happen and believing you’ll be okay, is that a foreign calm washes over you. You function in a space of knowing everything will come together, and you’re ninety-percent okay with it.
Because, as per usual, there is a tiny whisper (from past conditioning) wanting to snatch any joy, you may have, away.
I am not completely aware of its source. However, this specific whisper is persistent. It’s insistent; going on about ‘how arrogant it is for me to dare live this brand of freedom’.
While ignoring, resisting this inner talk, I question so many more things about myself and perceptions. Arrogant is an adjective I’d mostly not associate with myself. But alas, I am there pondering the notion of why I have a slight feeling of guilt. I question if I am taking life (in the sense that conditioning pushes one to believe life is not easy, and one must claw their way towards having this kind of peace), for granted.
From an intellectual standpoint, I know I am very well deserving of being kind to me and living, rather than merely existing, and barely breathing. But it, the whisper, continues. It cast aspersions, working serious overtime to sway my viewpoint and forward motion.
I don’t allow it because I know life is essentially filled with infinite tests and lessons.
I remind myself, that I simply have to listen for my intuitive spirit guide.
I did, because it never leads me astray.
And so, for this reason, I fully know the road I have deliberately chosen has pushed me to ask enough puzzling questions that would drive anyone bat shit crazy. This road is: educational, confirming, frightening, humbling, rich and rewarding simultaneously. In a nutshell, it’s mind-bending. My entire self is literally being stretched beyond limits, for me to do and be me – extraordinary.
My first cake date with Mexico.