#Smackit Lesson #2 — You can fool yourself but you can’t fool the Universe.
For those of you who read my inaugural blog post, you’ll know I picked up and headed to sunny LA last week. For those of you who didn’t, now you know ;)
Once you decide to take a leap — physical, spiritual and/or emotional, you think you will feel “different” somehow. Maybe relieved, maybe happy, maybe nervous in a good way, but some immediate feeling or sign to confirm the Universe approves, right? But what I was finding on the day of my departure was making me nervous that the Universe was still testing me.
Which brings me to today’s lesson: If you think it’s a test. It is. So, when I arrive at Newark, my airport of choice, only due to proximity to my apartment, I see I don’t have pre check on my boarding pass. Figuring it was just an oversight, I went to the Virgin America counter to have them print me a new pass. They inform me that having Global Entry doesn’t guarantee pre-check and that on this flight I had been randomly selected NOT to have it. WTF?! I watched as fellow passengers ,who were allowed to use their pre-check flew through security, and I stood at a standstill in the standard security line.
The next hiccup came when this germ-a-phobe sat down on the plane only to hear the woman in the seat next to hear coughing loudly and sneeze several times in succession. All without even a pretense of covering her mouth.
As someone who enjoys getting to a destination, but despises the actual travel to get there, these two inconveniences felt pretty major. I was already stressed and out of my element, about to have a few weeks, possibly even months of couch surfing in front of me. I definitely could not afford to be sick!
As I sat trapped in this tin can in the sky for the next almost 6 hours, I alternately tried to cover my face in a desperate attempt to not breathe in the constant uncovered hacking next to me, and to understand what the Universe was trying to tell me. Should I not be heading to California? Or actually, was NYC giving me a last kick in the butt to reassure me that leaving right now was exactly the right thing?
As the minutes and then hours passed, the answer was no clearer to me. But I eventually stopped thinking and started to just sit, be and feel. And the feeling that washed over me was total and complete anxiety. I was stressed and fearful. If I am going to be honest I had hoped that fate would magically intervene once I finally “pronounced” myself a reformed control freak ready to receive what the Universe was wanting to provide. I wanted that provision to be a reason to stay in NYC.
And so even though I said I was leaving, I had been scrambling to generate some stickiness for myself in my city, including spending a whole lot of time talking to, and even seeing my ex boyfriend. This is not insignificant as I’d spent the bulk of the last two 18 months trying to move forward from that relationship unsuccessfully, and had just finally succeeded in actually started to do so. And, for the longest period to date — more than 3 months.
Since September 2015 we had had bitter feuds in which awful things were said, and worse things done to each other. I’d been the most unflattering version of myself with this man. So much so, I was actually unrecognizable to myself — insecure, needy, spiteful and self-loathing. And every time we’d had another rendezvous, the inevitable end was more painful and hard to recover from.
It had been so bad for so long, I could barely be honest with my therapist, let alone my family and friends. And I know it was the same for him. Worse still, while I had kept myself emotional walled off from anyone new, he’d been in at least 3 relationships since we were a legitimate couple, and I’d come into each and every “restart” demanding he break up with these women, all the while resenting he was even involved with someone. And he came in resenting me for coming in hot making demands and “blowing up” his life. And worse, neither of us truly believing each other’s intentions.
I have no idea why I persisted after something so searingly painful for almost two years. Perhaps I thought that’s all I deserved? Perhaps I felt if I could fix this, I could fix my whole life? I honestly don’t know the answer but certainly re-opening that wound days before I need to be my most open and forward looking was self sabatoging.
Before you judge me too harshly, I do need to explain that after more than a year of wishing to hear two little words from him, he said exactly those words — I’m sorry. And more, for the first time, admitted his contribution to our fucked up dynamic, and said he needed to do some work and even asked if I might ask my therapist for a recommendation. I have to tell you, I thought the Universe was sending me a ver strong message that all this love and longing was not in vain. And even though it came on the heels of him spending a day breaking up with two woman he was involved with, I thought holy shit! I haven’t been wrong to hang in there. We are meant to be!
Still I made it here — to California that is. I arrived and spent my first full day having meetings with an agency I’d long admired, and agreeing to move forward with a role there, that would start with the summer. So here it was — sunny skies and all the promise that I’d hoped for in 24 hours. And what did I do? I called my ex and cried to him, telling him I didn’t want to be apart. I mean how were we going to work on us? i.e. how can I leave you alone 3000 away and believe you wont be sleeping with other women?
You see, even though I grabbed at his words and wanted to believe we were finally ready to be together, my gut told me I couldn’t trust that he was really different, i.e. could be faithful and honest. He said all the right things on that call though, and was soothing and sweet. But after I hung up the phone, it dawned on me that he said he was willing to prove his love to me by being a hermit and discarding friendships. It sounded like torture not love. And those friendships? They were with ex girlfriends who still very much had feelings for him.
Despite this, I was convinced this was all my insecurity, and something I had to fix in me. I wouldn’t acknowledge the possibility that my gut and heart were telling me the truth. And I just happened to be spending the weekend with a friend, who Ihad met through said ex.
So I decided I would share with her the news that we were talking again this weekend about making a real “go” of it. Well no sooner had I told her about his apology when she said his other recent ex had been in town weeks before and told her that he’d reached out to her in a similar fashion. My heart sunk and a lump formed in my throat. My friend was tortured about telling me, but had seen me suffer so much in the last few years, she felt it was her responsibility.
And I was so grateful! Because it was only then that I realized what it was I was searching for on the flight to California. I was searching for recognition from the Universe that I was ready for all the abundance she had to offer. Only you cannot fool the Universe. Whatever you say is irrelevant. It is what you actually do and how you actually feel. And I was doing anything but acting or feeling ready for the next step, as I desperately clung to my past.
I spent a restless night and I awoke knowing what I had to do. I had to say goodbye to my ex. Like for real this time. And so I did. Horribly — with multiple texts and phone calls saying lots of the wrong things and still hoping for some words from him to make “us” ok. But I actually did it. end it that is. And this time it will stick.
I am finally ready to be here now. Not just California but in the NOW. Open to receiving all the interesting, challenging and wondrous things that lie ahead. Oh and the search for my butt is ON! As I have spent the last 3 days in fitness gear biking, walking, soul-cycling and Tracey Anderson’ing.