Dream

Thank you.

I woke up crying.

I was thankful that God still keeps him in my dreams. Even if they are nightmares.

They are my only interaction and connection with him.

In real life there is nothing.

Yesterday’s nightmare. It was a montage of moments I thought we were happy but everytime he wasn’t facing me he was super unhappy.

Tonight’s nightmare we were buying corn dogs. My whole family was there. It was after summer arts. But we were still together. He was unhappy though. I could see it in his eyes. They only lit up when he suggested I go to summer arts. I went to another room and cried while eating my corn dog. I came back to over hear my mom saying that he should go to school and even though I’m hurting to not let me hold him back.

Fuck. I woke up. Chest pain. Bladder full. Face on fire. Tears streaming down my face.

My nightmares mirror reality.

If you love someone you want them to be happy. I don’t make him happy. I am trying to accept that. His absence is painful and it makes me physically ill. However, if he is truly happy and loves himself then I need to let him go. I don’t mean give him permission to leave. I mean I can’t keep him in my heart anymore. Bc I’m terribly unhappy without his cute face and funny stories. But I’ll never be able to let myself or someone else make me happy until I let go. I don’t want to. I want him in my dreams just a little longer. All I ask is for more time.

I am so sad I won’t get to tell him about my New York trip. My biggest dream and I can’t tell him.

My heart hurts.

Going back to sleep. Please give me a good dream. Like a Blue Lagoon type dream. Just the two of us on an island.