My biggest regret in life .

Losing you forever.

I always expected that you would be in my life in some way. You are just one of those people you want to keep in your circle!

This isn’t a post written during a depressed state. But a very clear state of mind.No tears just truth.

I should have trusted you.

I should have accepted life better.

I know you loved me.

I am surrounded by evidence.

If I was better. I wouldn’t have lost it all.

But it’s too late.

I let fear control me.

I allowed depression to take over.

I was overdosing on sleeping pills. That was the cycle you noticed. Everytime I bothered you in a negative way.Calling you.Messaging you in a half present state of mind.Every other weekend.I couldn’t move my body I just cried and slept and had crazy dreams. That felt so real. I altered things. It was strange.

There still is no excuse. I own up.

I regret that I have no way of apologizing to you.

Gone.

Today was an ok day.

I realized that you did the right thing.

You do care about me.

You never would hurt me.

I think you were trying to prevent me getting hurt.

My hurt isn’t from anything you’ve done. It’s all the things you will never do again. I miss it all.

I wish I hadn’t lost the friendship.

I fucked up. I should have left you alone. I am so angry with myself.

Now we’ve blocked each other.

It wasn’t supposed to be like that.

I can never change what I did.Or my stupidity.Or that I made you feel guilty. You did the right thing I will never understand it. But if you weren’t capable of loving me then you did the right thing.

I have hope.

I tried to be angry at you but it was futile. I am still just angry your gone.

I did that. Not you.

But I’m ok.

My life could be worse.

Even our break up. Wasn’t awful. Just a mystery. You came back different and it frightened me.

I pray that in my lifetime God let’s me apologize to you.My love for you was genuine. You loved me as much as you can for as long as you could. I will always cherish our relationship.

I am blessed to have been with you.

I regret my words of frustration.

I will learn from all of this.

I have no intentions of dating for a looooong time. I really don’t think anyone can replace you. I don’t have timing. I found you when you weren’t ready for me. But I will never regret our time together. It taught me what I want in a person.

My biggest regret is losing you.

I hope that over time I won’t have to regret that anymore.

I am going to work very hard to get myself back. For me.

Love you.

I’m here.

I miss you.

But I must learn to accept it.

Even my regrets. It is a part of me.

I won’t beat myself up anymore.

Fear. Love. Makes you stupid.

Haha I said that my last post was my final medium post. (I thought I had deleted the app but whatever) I regret that 4 A.M. post. Luckily you blocked me. But I know. I read it when I was fully aware and it was just shit. It was shitty of me. I’ll always know. I ruined the friendship.

But I went back to work.I threw out the pills. I ate. I hung out with friends. I made a real effort. I will heal. Even with all my messy mistakes. I love me. Regrets and all.

I have dreams and aspirations. I will get there. My journey isn’t over.

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