Easter Bunny Shoot — Rabbit Retribution
Hard on the heels of last year’s Easter Massacre, Mr Nibbles, the rabbit, has sworn vengeance on the war mongers of Alexandra in Central Otago.
“We have tried to make peace with these yokels by giving them chocolate eggs each year, but they still hunt us down like animals.
This year we will have our revenge on the redneck sons of bitches. I lost twenty of my identical twins last year. Those Speights drinking hillbillies will pay dearly, mark my words.” Said an enraged Mr Nibbles.
Local child and amateur mad scientist Max Williamson raised Mr Nibbles as his pet rabbit until Mr Nibbles entered his teenage years.
Max’s father, explains “Mr Nibbles and Max had a great relationship early on but once Mr Nibbles turned fourteen he became very unruly.
Max’s mother and I had a hard time explaining to Max what Mr Nibbles was doing to Max’s soft toys. The only explanation we could come up with was giving them ‘Happy Hoppy Hugs.’
We didn’t know until later that Max had developed, and injected Mr Nibbles with a mutated strain of the calicivirus. Far from killing him, this new mutation increased Mr Nibbles intelligence to that of humans giving him the power of speech.
In spring of 2013 Mr Nibbles grew tired of shagging Max’s soft toys and escaped into the wild of the Alexandra landscape. Shortly after that he began teaching the local feral bunnies how to talk and work together.
Next thing we knew the rabbits had started an organised militia and had begun fortifying their communities.
If only we had watched the award winning documentary ‘Planet of the Apes’ earlier we could have foreseen this unfortunate turn of events” sobbed Max’s dad.
Alexandra Sheriff, Clint Coleman, confirmed the worrying sightings of organised rabbit recon teams on the outskirts of town.
“It’s like the bucked toothed little bastards know our every move! These furry eared fuckers are not gonna get away with this,” exclaimed Sheriff Coleman.
Earlier this week Sheriff Colemen choppered his special forces team behind enemy lines. Only one member of the team returned from the surveillance mission, and their story was not a pretty one.
The team was lead by Special Forces Extra Black Operative Wiramu Hoheffa. Wiramu had always complained bitterly of being labelled an Extra Black Op just because he was a Maori.
However, his continuous moaning only earned him the threat of being promoted to Special Forces Extra, Extra, Black Operative, a title normally reserved for African American Special Forces members.
Once behind enemy lines it became apparent that Mr Nibbles had been very busy indeed. Wiramu and his team discovered an intricate network of tunnels and fortifications in the Alexandra hillside.
The lack of opposable thumbs and gun licenses meant that Mr Nibbles and his troop could not arm themselves in the traditional sense. However, they capitalised on their core strength of digging, ensuring a deadly field of Punji Pits and Traps.
Fanning out in a spearhead formation, Wiramu took point. To his right, he heard a slight creaking and then a crash as Sargent Davis fell into a well concealed Punji pit. The unfortunate Sargent lay impaled and dead in a pool of blood at the bottom of the trap.
Wiramu signalled his team to alert status. “Stay frosty boys, it looks like these rodents mean business. Tompson call in a bloody medevac now!”
Mr Nibbles’ second in command was Lieutenant Bird. He acquired the name Bird due to his large floppy ears that resembled wings when he ran.
Lieutenant Bird relayed the news to General Nibbles “Sir we have intruders in sector three. Four of them are still active one is KIA.”
“Well done Bird, make them pay for their arrogance. The souls of our fallen brothers are with you.” Bellowed a blood thirsty General Nibbles.
Wiramu and the remainder of his team moved cautiously forward into the parched hills of Alexandra.
Two hundred metres in, a second member of his team met a grisly end when he fell into a tunnel and was eaten alive by feral rabbits. By the time Wiramu covered the short distance to investigate his comrades sudden disappearance, there was only a flash of bucked teeth and a bloodied leg remaining.
Unloading a full magazine into the rabbit hole Wiramu screamed at his radio man “Christ, get the Sheriff on the blower! We need air support, fucking now!”
After getting no response, Wiramu turned to witness a huge hare somersault through the air in slow motion, planting a sharpened flag pole into his radioman’s head. It reminded Wiramu of some sort of horrifying moon landing, where man was a rabbit and the moon was the radioman’s head.
As a stunned Wiramu looked on, blood trickled from the slumped radioman’s helmet. The message “Alexandra Belongs To The Rabbits” was written on the flapping flag, puncturing the radioman’s head.
“Holy Shit!” screamed Wiramu as he slammed another magazine into his assault rifle.
Turning quickly he tracked a large rabbit bounding toward his last remain team member with his red dot scope.
It was too late to take the shot as Thumper delivered an almighty kick to the last Special Forces members knee, folding his leg back in on its self.
A high pitched shriek was silenced by a snap kick to the neck which instantly ended the experienced operative.
Wiramu dropped his rifle and was thrown to the ground. A floppy-eared monster rabbit wearing a necklace of fresh human ears sat on his chest.
“Bird, you little bastard! You and that Fucker Nibbles will pay for this” whimpered Wiramu.
“Silence Human!” Thundered Lieutenant Bird “Take your ass back to your Clodhopper Leaders and let them know we will be waiting for them this year. Let them know that General Nibbles and his Warren will have their revenge! See you in hell!”
Originally published at www.smokingmonkey.co.nz on April 2, 2015.
