Forsyth Barr Stadium Relocation
In an unprecedented move, Dunedin City Council and local Iwi leaders have authorised the deconstruction of Forsyth Barr Stadium in Dunedin leaving the Highlanders without a home.
Work has begun overnight without public consultation due to the sensitive nature of the project.
Recently Forsyth Barr Stadium hosted Rocking Rod Stewart, who’s thunderous crooning uncovered ancient bones that are believed to be that of a warrior from a long lost Maori Tribe.
John Flintoft of Dunedin was at the concert and reported seeing the bones rise up out of the earth and start dancing by themselves to the beat of ‘Da Ya Think I’m Sexy’.
A stunned Mr Flintoft took a selfie with the dancing bones and immediately posted it to Facebook causing general social media outrage and an immediate Hui with the Dunedin City Council.
“I thought it was the cocaine playing tricks on me, but I got a selfie as proof.” Said a stoked Mr Fintoft.
“The bones were pretty good at dancing, I was very surprised. When the bones snatched my joint from me, I just put two and two together. Pot smoking dancing bones? They must be from an ancient Maori.
I took them home and put them in my fridge, but they wouldn’t dance for me in the morning so I gave them to the dog.”
CSI are currently analysing Mr Flintoft’s dogs pooh for genetic evidence of ancient Maori warriors.
Yesterday CSI release a confusing statement to media suggesting that Mr Flintoft’s dog may have eaten a Maori.
While technically accurate this misleading comment fuelled several race-based riots across New Zealand.
Upset, Race Relations Commissioner, Dame Susan Devoy, was far from impressed. “People should not feed their pets Maoris they should feed them pet food!” She said.
Based on Mr Flintoft’s compelling Facebook evidence Mayor David Cull took immediate action and authorised the deconstruction of Forsyth Barr Stadium.
“Look we can’t have the bloody Highlanders playing footy on top of this Maori burial ground or whatever it is. The last thing we want to do is unleash a Taniwha! We will just have to take down the stadium and relocate it to the Octagon while the field is worked through by archaeologists.
Dunedin ratepayers are an understanding lot, so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue!” quipped the Mayor with a giggle.
Incredibly most of the stadium has now been dismantled at great cost, in the hope it can be reassembled in the octagon, for this weekend’s big game.
Late Breaking Update:
CSI have just announced that Mr Flintofts dog pooh had KFC bones in it, not Maori’s bones.
John Key chimed in with “This is a typical example of overreaction by a gung-ho local council at great expense to the taxpayer.
I can tell you that this cost will be coming out of any local Maori Treaty Settlement and the Mayor’s weekly wages.
What the fuck is wrong with these people? It is nearly an impossible to run this country with these Mayor’s continuously running amuck. If it’s not David Cull, it’s bloody Len Brown! I have had a guts full of it!
That dancing dipstick and his dog are the cause of this, and they too can expect to be filling in IRD audits and paying fines for the rest of their natural lives!” Said the grumpy PM.
Meanwhile, the dejected Highlanders have been drinking heavily and fighting the locals in the town centre to release their built up testosterone.
David Cull has declared a state of emergency.
Originally published at www.smokingmonkey.co.nz on April 17, 2015.
