On The Art of “Hate”
As a little girl I have always been told to be timid, shy and to “play nice with the other girls” not matter how shitty they are. If they slap you “you must turn the other cheek”(what the hell does that even mean?), or “kill them with kindness” (wah? :S). All my life I had to be the “understanding” one, “the patient one”, “the one who is suppose to show love and have motherly instinct” (don’t ask). This ended badly for me; it resulted in me suppressing all of my other emotions and having emotional outbursts every three — four months around the clock. This also led to me having really bad anxiety, and crying to express negative emotions (I be all kinds of effed up emotionally).
No one ever stopped and wondered what these boxed up teachings meant for me growing up and the impacts it will have on me as an adult. They never once thought; “here’s an idea; maybe she is a person and she should explore all the emotions instead of just smile at everything and pretend she is okay :D”. So; as an adult:
- I second guess everything I do because I am scared I might end up hurting someone, even if it is a person I have never met in my life (not good in this cut throat generation I live in).
2. It has made me a “really nice person” (not good for gaining respect).
3. I end up trusting a lot of people who just love walking all over me (I have become a mat, I repeat a mat — not a human being).
4. And worst of all I cannot freely dislike or hate anyone without feeling guilty (except Hitler; I hate him guilt free).
Part of having balance in my life is to be able to freely love/hate whoever I feel like hating/loving without any reservation. I have got the loving part down really well; it is the art of hating and being able to openly declare that feeling is what I will be working on from now. This will include:
a) Guilt-free hate and
b) know myself enough to know that my instinct are right (not always but mostly);
This works hand in hand with being able to say “no” to someone without having to explain myself. When I say “no” or “I don’t want to” that should be enough ! Why do I have to make up shit to follow up with that?! (come on! I can’t be the only one who has been stuck in an elevator with someone who is trying to get your number and after you have said no three times they are insisting of a “why” and after repeatedly saying “I don’t want to” the magic words “boyfriend” sometimes gets you off your back. WHY?! Also, elevator man I HATE YOU GUILT FREE!)
Why does any of this matter? Does anyone even give a shit that I am writing all of this? Probably not, but random stranger or familiar acquaintance if you are reading this and thinking “huh I can relate” then great; hope this helped. But if you are once of the people going “huh I don’t get it or can’t relate” that’s okay too. This is my space to write my thoughts and find my own balance through the process of writing and I am serving that purpose.
So; WHY does all of this matter? because *fingers crossed* we as a society are hopefully moving towards more radical way of raising our kids; but the above experience is still pretty relevant for people, especially women, living in the society that we live in.
And I want you to know; that if you are feeling hate; then go for it I won’t label you as a catty, bitchy person you are allowed. You want to say no without reason? go for it I won’t think that you are a square or a snooty bitch; heck it’s your right ! But also remember to love and be kind,to yourself and others close to you, to balance it out. Both is needed to achieve inner peace and happiness ❤.