Astronaut Mike “Boner” Reynolds

By: Andrew Hicks

STS-129
Mission Day: 12
From: Comm. Rebecca Storkin, Air Force, JPL, NASA

To: Ground Control
Subject: Astronaut Mike “Boner” Reynolds’ Unusual Behavior

CC: Human Resources

Dear ground control,

Normally these messages would be sent via comms and radio, but given the sensitivity of the subject matter and keeping my crew’s morale high, this is better done through private emails. While I understand and appreciate the scientific research done aboard the International Space Station, I’m starting to question the safety protocols and lack of basic scientific understanding of fellow astronaut Mike Reynolds. While it is very important we understand the effects of different drugs on the human body in a micro-gravity environment, it seems we may have to cease all research and return Reynolds back aboard the soonest Soyuz return mission.

I have compiled a list of infractions against mission objectives and overall lack of concern over safety protocols while Reynolds has been aboard the ISS, all listed below:

During launch, Reynolds insisted upon hard-wring his iPod into the Soyuz’s comms relay and pumped “Freebird” at an unacceptable volume as we left the tower.

Insists on calling every Cosmonaut “My Ruskie Comrade” while offering them a small flask of vodka. All research materials should be stored in the science module, not in his back pocket.

Anytime we ask Reynolds to clean his work space, he insists we “chillax”.

Instead of using the maneuvering rungs located around the station, he insists on propelling himself through the cabin with his own flatulence. While I am quite impressed at his endurance and aim, the smell is unbearable.

Uses the shower at least 3 times a day with an unauthorized magazine, calling it his “special alone time”.

Absolutely WILL NOT stop whistling the Star Trek theme.

Was found in the Soyuz capsule with the hatch sealed. When we unsealed the hatch to retrieve him, he insisted he was two puffs away from “the most perfect hotbox, brah”.

Insists we use his pledge name, “Boner”. We reminded him he was “Mission Specialist Mike Reynolds”. A compromise was reached as we now call him “Mission Specialist Boner”.

During experiment #008 which consisted of the research subject (Mission Specialist Boner) ingesting a single dose of LSD, he insisted on ingesting 4 and assured us “After Bonaroo, this is the only way I can get there”.

Anytime we criticize his lack of courtesy to other crew members, he reminds us his dad is a lawyer and “is gonna sue the shit out of your candy-ass!”

Please advise we are requesting his return immediately and we resume testing on another mission. Please ignore Boner’s last request that the next re-supply drone be “filled to the brim with flamin’-hot Funyuns”, it is a waste of both federal funding and rocket fuel.

Commander Rebecca Storkin, Air Force, JPL, NASA