Following my gut

Every day I feel like i’m learning something new.

I signed up a few weeks ago to do a workaway program. This is basically when someone (or an organization) posts on workaway.org and advertises for a chance for you to travel. It means that you work a few hours a day helping someone, and in exchange, you get free room and board (not always, but most of the time).

I signed up to do a workaway in San Diego. Or so I thought, because it was actually in El Cajon, up in the dry af desert hills of Sycuan Indian Reservation territory.

My time had been billed as work at a “dog sanctuary”. If you know me, you know I really love animals. You might know I really like cats. Well I do, and just about everything else. But 24 dogs in one place was not something I was prepared for.

The noise, the smell, the barking, the dust, the people… I won’t go into detail because we are all offended by different things, but it was not pleasant for me. I got bit. I spiraled into 3 panic attacks in less than 24 hours. Not ideal.

So here’s what I did. I had told the coordinator I would be there for 3 weeks, but the thought of that made my stomach turn and my lungs forget to breathe. Seriously, that is what happens when my anxiety comes.

So I listened to my heart. It said, “run away,” and change your situation. Do it yourself. Repeated to myself, “you make good choices,” sincerely pushed me to believe that what I was doing was right.

So I left. I literally just called a lyft and left. A note and some cash, because I had eaten her food too. But I just fucking left.

And now i’m downtown in San Diego at a nice place, and i’m happier.

And i’m just coming to realize, through reflection on the last few days, that I DO make good choices. Maybe not the one that led me across my state for 12 hours with a promise of an adventure in the hills. Maybe I should have read more into those 3 bad reviews that had been left. But getting out, and canceling an obligation, it was new. It was something that i’ve never done.

And now I know I can navigate. I can survive. I feel happier and more whole than before. And maybe I read too much into my own actions but I feel stronger. And i’m really glad I’ve learned something about trusting my own emotions and following my gut.