Transcription: WAHH Traffic

Aired May 19, 2043 — 20:25:00 ET

CHIP ERIKKSON, WAHH TRAFFIC CORRESPONDENT: Thanks, Amy! Wow, how ABOUT that carnivorous dust storm? Sharp reporting, Amy. Congratulations on your loss.

Anyway, Chip Erikkson here with the WAHH Rush Hour Traffic Report from the pilotless WAHH helicopter above our fair desert town. In a stunning display of subliminal human coordination, today’s rush hour along I-80 has evolved. While vehicles are definitely not moving any faster than usual, they sure are stalling with more focus. More meaning. More suspense.

Zooming in with the Chopper Cam now to get a closer look, we see the driver of that white sedan seems to be bleeding from the ears. Actually, all occupants of the car — I assume his family — are bleeding from the ears. Why they are not uniformly bleeding in the HOV lane is beyond this reporter.

Moving on down to the junction at I-191, nothing worth mentioning without paralyzing consequences.

From above downtown, we’re seeing a pileup occur as I speak. It seems to involve no fewer than eight vehicles along Desert Bluffs Avenue and… Make that nine cars, Amy. Nine cars are now involved in this pileup… No, ten. Eleven. Scratch that; fifteen. Twenty. Amy, cars are screeching around corners, veering off designated streets, and going out of their way to join the pileup.

The pavement is opening below them. A gigantic, familiar hand is rising to escort the lucky drivers below. Several officers from the Pleasantly Helpful Department are responding by taping off the area while a Secret Safety Crew is dispatched for cleanup. Drivers who are just now arriving to the scene are exiting their vehicles, weeping at their missed opportunity. They claw at their stick figure decals. They harmonize with the wailing car horns with perfect F4 pitch. Their ears bleed for nothing. They will remain another day, just as you and I remain, Amy.

[LIGHT SNIFFLING MUFFLED BY THE SLEEVE OF A NEWS UNIFORM]

ERIKKSON: That’s it for WAHH Traffic Report on the fives. Check back in with us in a few to see if you are a winner. I’m Chip Erikkson. Back to you, Amy.