Death Tweets

Everybody dies. Even worse, the Internet beats me to the punch every time someone of note flees this mortal coil.

Not today.

It is my turn to have the hottest of hot takes. These lazy acknowledgements of would-be current events are mine and mine alone. The following tweets have been pre-composed before anyone could decompose:

More like Close Encounters of the Bird Kind. #RIPStevenSpielberg #GetItTogetherCincinnatiZoo

On this tragic day, we citizens of Flavortown wear graver frowns. #RIPGuyFieri #GravyBoatExplosion

Wow. First Bowie. Then Prince. Now this? Talk about Heaven’s Greatest Supergroup. No words. #RIPMeatloaf

Autobots, roll out. One. Last. Time. #RIPMichaelBay

I never met her so, you know, what is there to say? #RIPScarlettJohansson

Oh did something even happen in The Big Game? I don’t follow sportsball haha guys I don’t know any of it and I am so proud #RIPTonyRomo

Politics aside, using their immense wealth to moonlight as a couple of soggy Hardy Boys makes ’em A-OK in my book. #RIPKochBrothers

What’s in the box? It is you. #RIPBradPitt

There was no cure. #RIPRobertSmith

Yass queeeeeen #RIPBeyonce #Ecoterrorism #HooverDam

Editors’ Note: We apologize to those affected by today’s tragedy at Universal Studios Hollywood Presents: Guy Fieri’s Runaway Gravy Train (in 3D!). This article was originally submitted in jest and without malice. Our thoughts and prayers are with the families during this difficult time.