Obituary
1989 — 5073
Chris “Boss Lightning” Worthington died yesterday at three-thousand and eighty-four ripe years of age. While history will fondly remember him as the inventor and first addict of the life extension pill Capsviraphil™ (known colloquially by its street name, “Livin’ La Vida Longa” for some reason), Boss Lightning would have liked the world to remember his innumerable other accomplishments (additional triumphs WAY too numerable to be numbered here).
His MAJOR hobbies included: Perfecting the ridicule, imagining how the stock market worked, indefinitely redrafting his own obituary, and hoisting the burden of existing as an offensively handsome creature.
His MINOR hobbies included: Ridiculing others, appeasing the Stock Market Seagulls with weekly offerings of everything bagels, listing things, and shattering all reflective surfaces with tear-stained fists.
Boss Lightning is survived by his unmatched collection of weird VHS tapes.
His funeral will be held on the winter solstice at the estate of his sole heir, his gluten-intolerant schnauzer with no name. The map to the services may be revealed by spraying this obituary with a fine mist of lemon juice and holding it over a small fire. Attendees are advised to bring fire extinguishers in the likely event Boss Lightning returns as a phoenix named Dennis. Dennis will not want to live like this. Extinguish Dennis.
While you certainly cannot help but mourn a brave new world without Boss Lightning, he would like to remind you of his eternally inspiring words uttered to dismayed employees when the Capsviraphil™ Empire laid off seventy-five percent of its staff:
“Hold this and watch me punch air.”
He will miss him.
